Monday, November 7, 2016

Dude, I fucking love you

I remember thinking about how stupid love songs were. People don't feel like that, I thought.

Now every fucking song reminds me of him. How did I not notice that 75% of songs are about love? And it all feels so trite, yet so true.

His face, his eyes, his smirk flash between almost every thought. Sometimes I can go a few hours without thinking about him. 

Our situation is terrible. What the actual fuck am I thinking?

I don't know why I wanted to find this feeling; it's fucking awful. 

Even when I'm with him I sometimes get bummed because I know we'll be apart. 

He told me he loves me. A few times. 

I said the same.

We talked about how it's "too soon" to be saying shit like that. It is. It definitely is. But this wasn't a decision. 

I miss him in a way I've never missed anyone. It makes me feel like a bad son that I've never missed either of my parents even close to this much. 

Despite what he says and describes, I don't know if he really loves me the way I love him. The way that I'm in love with him—with who he is as a person. Maybe he does, and I'm still just chickenshit hiding behind my forcefield. 

I worry about his sexuality, about whether he's bisexual.

All of my friends are getting married. My brother just got married. I was so happy for them. But it also made me question my stage of life. 

I don't particularly give a fuck about what other people are doing with their lives, but I'm not wholly immune. We're not a group of friends anymore; we are becoming a group of couples—except for me. Little mushbrains are next. 
 * * *
I waited behind the wall with my friends and watched him face off against my friend Mark. This was the finals of the axe throwing tournament we were doing as part of the bachelor party. He stood, relaxed as fuck, looking fly in his unbranded black snapback. Damn, I thought, that's my dude. 

Mine. But he isn't really, I don't think. He told me he doesn't want to possess me, even though he does. We talked about being boyfriends or whatever, but I don't think we are. 

"I've never seen what I see in your eyes," he said. He does have a habit of always saying just the right fucking thing.

We don't really text very much. He calls me sometimes to check in. Yep, your life is still fucked up. How is your daughter? Great. 

Why can't I turn off this feeling? I'm usually so fucking in control of my thoughts and emotions. 

I tried to talk to my brother about it, but he didn't really get it. I asked him about his past girlfriends, about his experiences with love. It all sounded different. My brother was an idiot when he was young. 

I'm the idiot now, I guess. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Surfcation / No One Cares

I just got back from a fucking awesome surf vacation in Mexico with my brother and some friends. Actually were technically my brother's friends, but I consider some mutual friends, as we've hung out without my broseph. Importantly, most of them were also good looking, chill guys. There were also a few chicas in the mix.

We rented a big villa right by a surfing beach with our own pool and errythang. Most of crew surfs all year rounds so they were crushing waves for the majority of most of the days we were there. I was alright on a longboard, but shortboards are fucking tricky. Whenever I know I'm going to have the opportunity to go surfing (about once a year) I always delude myself into thinking there's way more crossover from snowboarding. They're both boards, right?! Yeah...'cause in snowboarding you're often paddling and laying on your board? Regardless, it was still fun to be out in water.

We also rented a sailboat and sailed to a little island not far from our beach. It was a surreal paradise. 

My brother's friends were cool and mostly we had a great time drinking and being stupid and laughing a lot. But this nagging voice in the back of my mind would pop up regularly:
They're only being cool with you because they think you're straight. If they knew, they would be treating you differently and it would suck.

We flew back early the day before Christmas. Our skin was mostly uncharred, except for Eric whose entire body was pealing. He rolled around on the grass, joking that he was a snake shedding his skin. 
 * * *
Back stateside, I'm in the car with my brother leaving the airport.

So, did you have fun? My brother asks.
Yeah, I had a fucking blast.
Good. Yeah everyone said they were glad you ended up coming. 

After a brief pause:

You know, you can tell everyone that I like dudes. I don't care, just didn't feel like bringing it up.
Oh they all know. Everyone here knew before, and no one cares.

Being wrong hurts so good. 

Happy holidaze y'all. 

Monday, September 22, 2014

Life is just so, ___. Ya know? Sean 2.0

Huge news. I took a Facebook "quiz" that said that I should move to New Zealand. This has been, like, a life/religious/spiritual epiphany of sorts for me. I finally feel like I "get it". Answers come into focus; meaning abounds. As such, I am writing this from Christchurch.

Anyways, thanks for your emails. I've been alright.

* * * 

I stopped seeing Ald—he just wasn't the bro for me. A couple weeks later I met Sean. No, not this Sean. A new Sean. Fuck that other Sean. He lives in San Fran and is a head case. Regardless, Sean and I met at a concert.  This is "true", but also a lie. We "met" on Tinder, but we actually met up for the first time at a concert. I was there all fugged up with my buddy, he the same with his bros.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

My Brother Sam Is Pretty Cool These Days

I hear an alarm go off in the next room. I roll over and look at my phone. 7:30AM on Saturday morning. 

A few minutes later, just as I'm about to fall back asleep,
"Hey, you ready to hit the water?"

It's my brother, Sam. 


We're going surfing. 

The waves suck, I suck, and the water is freezing, but it's a blast anyways. 

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Summer Playlists

"Music is the soundtrack to my life" lololo. 

But yeah I dig music. I was raised on classic rock, but since college I've been listening mostly to new stuff. Here's some shiz I've been listening to. 

Scroll down to play: