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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Women: Why I'm Glad I Like Dudes

Women, females, ladies, girls. What an interesting specimen.

It's by Picasso, idiot


Known for the bags of fat hanging from their chests and their ability to cultivate human life, women have been getting the, ahem, short end of the stick for much of history. Before NH rights, before black rights, there was the fight for women's rights. And they won, kind of. Still underpaid and 'under-appreciated', today's modern woman still has plenty to complain about, which is in a way good because complaining seems to be among their favorite pastimes.

But you have to give women credit for usually being better people. I mean this in terms of everything from not killing people much, to being more understanding different kinds of people, including non heterosexuals. Women in general tend to be less fearful of homosexuality, possibly because they realize it's a harmless aberration, and possibly because women are aroused by everything.

Let me first say that I don't categorically have a problem with women, and that I have many close friends and relationships with women, including my mother.  That being said, I'm glad not to have to be in a monogamous relationship with a woman for a variety of reasons. Based on my vicarious experience, girlfriends can be pretty awful. Almost never have I thought, "Gee, I'm so jealous of my buddy--that whole girlfriend thing seems like a pretty sweet deal!" This might be because my friends and family members tend to relay more negative details, but I don't think so.

Sometimes it seems like females can't be happy unless their boyfriends are unhappy. They whine, "why don't you want to go look at curtains with me?" Or do do some other activity that I know you hate?" A much better question is why the hell you would ask someone you like/love to do things that they hate, regularly. Furthermore, women typically want to spend money on different things, consider different activities fun, and want different rules for a relationship. With two guys there usually isn't this constant conflict. Honestly, it seems like guys will often pair off with a girl simply because it gives them access to regular sex.

Obviously some non hetero relationships involve similar struggles, though not usually related to sex drive conflicts, and there are hetero couples that click perfectly. But how cool is it that NHs have the potential to be friends, work out buddies, drinking buddies, etc with people they are also attracted to?



Maybe it's much more difficult for us to find each other, but once we do, I like to think that we have a good chance at something fucking awesome.

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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Guys I've Banged Pt I - Jordy

Each one of these posts will be about just one guy I've hooked up with. The title is somewhat misleading as I won't always have 'banged' them.  And, like a good gentleman, I'll change their names.

Jordy was the first guy that I ever hooked up with. I had drunkenly kissed a passed out guy once, but let's go ahead and not count that.


Jordy went to my high school and was cute, thin, and fairly shy.  He had light brown hair and hazel eyes. I thought he was cute, but he wasn't my type exactly. I tended to be attracted to the confident and/or athletic types.

We were both freshmen, and had some overlapping friends through his brother. How I figured him out would be a little too revealing to our situations so I'll skip that part, but suffice it to say that he was surprised and stoked to learn that I was pitching for his team.

After some conversing online I made a proposal: "So…do you want to come sleep over at my place? We can get drunk and mess around, or whatever." Since we were freshmen at a new school and friend groups were still settling, it wasn't that suspicious for this to be happening. My brother, however, did seem to sense something.  "You guys going to hang out with some girls later?"Nonetheless he provided us with alcohol, in this case scotch—just what any nubile drinker wants. Jordy had a bed set up on the ground next to mine and we took turns taking swigs of the liquor. Both of us were really nervous as well as inexperienced drinkers so we took many pulls.

Eventually, with the booze attacking my inhibitions, I reached over and began to rub his arm. We caressed at a distance like this for a minute or two and then I pounced. Passionate kissing and grinding ensued. Clothes came off and other stuff happened, too. It's all a bit blurry, but fun was had by both parties.

In the morning, for some reason I decided to make a number of mistakes. One was to assume my brother wouldn't be back in the morning, the next was to put on Jordy's underwear, and the last was to leave the door unlocked. In came my brother, unannounced. Thankfully, we were in our separate beds and Jordy had a shirt on, and a blanket over his bottom half. We both somehow maintained our cool and concluded the event without incident.

We never had a sexual relationship after that, but we stayed secret friends and would talk occasionally over the years. I thought he was a nice and cute kid, but I wasn't enamored with him and still wanted to hang out with my jock-ish friends and do "straight" shit. After that I didn't hook up with another guy for a couple years. I sort of went back to girls, but with a feeling that it wouldn't last. And I don't regret this; I had a great time in high school. We talked a bit over the years and occasionally we would be at the same party and I'd make signals for him to sneak off so we could make out. I'm sure he loved me sloppily kissing him while nearly blacked-out drunk and then returning to the party like nothing had happened.

Live and learn, or some other platitudinous bullshit.

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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Modern Family

I think Modern Family is a fairly funny show. I remember back when it premiered: it had a lot of competition, and I didn't expect it to be great. What I found was that the writing was actually pretty good, as was the acting. Not off-the-charts-amazing, but solid. Eventually I began to consider it one of funnier shows that was airing at the time. As other shows in their fourth or fifth season were starting to slip, Modern Family seemed to be getting stronger.

Regardless, it's a topic of discussion because of its portrayal of a "modern" gay couple and a "modern" American family's interactions.
Nothing stereotypical about this.


What's nice is that the homophobia is mostly portrayed as being a shameful position. At the same time, everyone—including the non-hetero characters themselves—seem to constantly behave insensitively towards the non heteros. Again, in a certain sense this is relieving; that the characters aren't afraid to be a little un-PC about everyone and everything. However, the gay couple, Mitch and Cam, is horrendously sterotypical. They are awful. I cringe at every little wrist flip, twirl, sassy comment, and clich├ęd scene. And who are their friends? A bunch of sassy female-in-male-bodies as well.

This is not what it means to me to be a guy that likes guys. Maybe it does to some people, and that's fine, but I want some more media representation for males-in-male-bodies that happen to like guys. I have seen it occasionally, including in Modern Family when Matthew Broderick guest-starred, but such appearances are rare and often forgotten. Even my intelligent straight friends seem to miss this, because they were all so shocked, dumbfounded even, by the fact that I "just didn't seem gay". This cultural notion that sexuality is something that is visibly noticeable needs to go. Something like Brokeback Mountain has to be one of a very few well-known, contemporary examples of guy-guys liking each other, and it's still not quite widely seen enough to stick in people's minds.

Leave you alone?
Some might say "leave them alone", let everyone be everyone. I am. I just want more equal representation. I am attracted to guys, but it doesn't feel right to identify as gay. To be 'gay' comes with a myriad of hooks and strings. Some of these are admittedly good, but are dwarfed by very negative stereotypes of weakness, promiscuity,  etc. Flamboyant people don't suffer when they are associated with non-flamboyant people; only the reverse is true. Flamboyant people, a group that includes straight men and women, are going to receive attention by definition, because that's what it means to be flamboyant. It cracks me up when flamboyant non-heteros get defensive about this point. "So what?! I'm not loud! I'M NOT TRYING TO GET ATTENTION," they scream, now standing on the table, with roman candles exploding from their head, completely oblivious to the irony of their words.

I do think things are improving, though. Every few years, the number of positively portrayed non-heteros increases, as old stereotypes begin fade into the past. New ones spring up of course, but it seems like each round is less offensive than the previous.

It's not my obligation to be an example for all of society of how unlike the stereotype a non hetero can be, but when I do make my orientation more public, I fully intend to be light-hearted and respectful, but also vocal about these issues.




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Sunday, January 27, 2013

Promiscuity

I think that animals by nature are promiscuous. If you understand anything about evolution, you should have heard of "survival of the fittest". Today it would more accurately be "survival of those that fuck the most". If you don't have sex, you're not going to pass your genes on to another generation, so sex-seeking behavior will always naturally be selected for.


In modern society the situation is obviously complicated by the fact that humans understand how fertilization works, and have created preventive methods. Add to this social norms, and the result is a system that is anything but simple.

The United States' cultural attitudes towards sex can be traced by back partly to our puritanical origins. And while each generation seems to be a little less prude, we're still pretty restrictive compared to other developed countries.

For heteros, the rules are basically that men can have as much sex as they want, while women are essentially only supposed to have sex a guy they are dating. This means not all that much sex is had, or at least not that much sex is publicly discussed.

Now for non hetero guys it's a totally different story. NHs are already operating largely outside of acceptable social norms simply by not being hetero. Also, because they are guys interested in guys, there isn't this the conflict in the party's willingness to have sex. The result is a non hetero population that has more sex, or at least has the opportunity to have more sex than heteros. Any relatively good looking or in shape non hetero bro can have sexual pleasure pretty much whenever he wants.

There are bars, clubs, saunas, and a substantial number of websites that facilitate this. Being in a city helps a lot too. So is there anything ethnically wrong with having sex with strangers regularly? Absolutely not. I personally don't find it to be the idea particularly appealing because I actually enjoy intimacy with bros; plus the type of people who engage in these activities tend to be less attractive.

That said, I already mentioned the difficulty I have finding guys that I want to get physical with. However, if I had the opportunity to have sex with male models regularly I absolutely would.

The interesting part is that I think many hetero guys are jealous of this culture. I haven't had this conversation with my friends, but I get the impression that they would love it if they could go out to the bar and basically be guaranteed to "get some". So in some ways non-heteros are scorned for their promiscuity out of envy. Women, on the other hand, I think wish they could be more sexually liberated and are therefore less judgmental. This is of course not including the crazy religious/conservative people, which is a completely different clusterfuck of illogicality.

Despite my support for everyone (basically) doing whatever they want, NHs should also realize that part of the whole "being equal" thing is behaving according to the rules of society. It's kind of a trade off like that: you give up a little bit of your individuality in order to receive the privileges that society provides.  If you don't want to conform, that's fine, but you can't expect the same treatment as those that do. It'd be nice if heteros would loosen the fuck up, but until then non heteros would be wise to nudge heteros in the right way and maybe consider quieting down a bit and making a couple sacrifices.


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Finding a "chill bro" - Pt I


It seems like hetero people also suffer a good deal in search of a partner, but in many ways it does not compare to what we go though as non-heteros.

Finding a person who you want to date and be intimate with among 50% of the population is difficult enough. Searching among non-heteros reduces this number to a maximum of about 10% of this 50%, i.e. about 5%. Then go ahead and remove guys that aren't stereotypically masculine, don't have a college education, or are unattractive and/or overweight, and I'm left with ~0 people, apparently. Not to mention the fact that some of these guys are not open to people about their sexuality, making them all but invisible given that they show no outward signs of being non-hetero. I am a part of problem in the last part of course. But that's a different subject.

So we are left with horrific gay bars, filled with people who feel that since certain members of society reject them, they feel they have to reject almost everything about society. One example would be the various means for NTs to obtain casual sex like grindr, man hunt, craig's list, etc. And no, I'm not going to capitalize those "services". I do not judge anyone that uses them, or seeks an easy sexual outlet, however. Different people are into different things and I think the US is in general far too prudish about sexual topics. It's time to loosen our connection to the Puritans and embrace a more northern-European outlook. But that's a different post.

I'm also obsessed with handsome dudes. I develop debilitating crushes easily, though not as bad as in high school when my hormones were bubbling over the brim. I think about good-looking guys throughout the day, and I do want a boyfriend. Sex for me is nothing unless it's with someone I'm attracted to. Imaging someone else while you're hooking up is fucked up.

Either way, it's a problem when I go to meet someone for a date and they of course don't look as good as their pictures. Am I the only one that makes a concerted effort to use pictures that depict me accurately? Actually, I've had many people tell me I look far better than my pictures. Obviously not everyone has the luxury of being attractive, but c'mon—why waste everyone's time by photoshopping, or taking pictures at weird angles? I have, however, become sadly adept at noticing these tricks and now mostly weed out these people immediately. Pseudo-model shots like to the right are a bad sign.  You aren't a model, so go ahead and take a picture with normal light and full color. Thanks.

But this filter is also a source of dating problems. Tighten it too much, and I feel like a picky asshole who can't find a single person worth meeting, but if I loosen my standards I usually just end up giving chances to bros whom I clearly am not attracted to (see: waste of time). So I vacillate back and forth between the two.

And where does one meet these rare diamond bros in a very rough sea? I've already said that gay bars have been mostly bad experiences for me, and do not even mention the clubs. But the internet sucks too. There are so many creepy guys, stalkers, and fakes—not to mention the real and proverbial trolls.

I'll write some website reviews later, but for now I'll just say that I haven't found any that are great; just varying levels of bad.

Maybe someday I'll stop being so fucking shallow and settle down with a guy with a great personality. But hey, that is not exactly the easiest characteristic to find either. 

Masculinity - Pt I

Masculinity is a controversial topic—not only in cavernous depths of the internet, but across the world.  As some cling desperately to past conceptions of what it means to be man, others strive to create what they believe to be a less constrictive environment.  At the same time, the media continues to operate on a wildly maco-to-micro basis—one day speculating about complex global disease patterns, the next to travel to a place an enormous magnifying glass above some American high school.

Might have to change my mind about Crossfit…


And as with many issues, people seem to have been pushed to the extremes; or at least the polar individuals seem to more effectively have their voices heard. One extreme basically posits that boys will be boys, and that their true nature is essentially being emotionally uncomplicated, physically rough, and keen on destruction. The other extreme says that masculinity is purely a construct of the society we live in.

No one is, or can be, raised in a vacuum. Who we are as people is the product of exactly two things: our genes and our environments. The latter part includes every experience or interaction you've ever had. Regardless of the balance between these two factors, it seems unlikely that either extreme is correct.

Personally, I was a sensitive kid, but far from feminine. I sought out sports, and rough activities, but never because I was interested in hurting other people; I enjoyed the physicality and the competition. My genes also helped: I was athletic, tall, and handsome—all the things that I "ought to be". Again, I didn't realize all this as a kid. I wasn't "trying" to mold myself into some image or anything. My parents were for the most part quite laissez-faire, and definitely didn't try to push me towards one activity over another. But there was one issue: I wasn't interested in the pretty girls in the way that I was supposed to be.

Based on what I've read, I didn't wrestle comparatively too much with my non-heterosexuality. I had the common epiphany that, "holy shit I'm not like everyone else." My reaction was not horror or self-loathing; I actually thought it was kind of cool. It was another thing that I thought made me unique. I'll delve more deeply into that later, but basically I have always felt that anything that separates me from the billions of other people on the planet is a good thing; I have never wanted to live an ordinary life.

The period of time and the sequence of events that followed this realization can be very important component of personality development. If at this point, a young man decides to internalize this as his identity, he may take steps to align himself with other non-heterosexuals, seek friends that might be more receptive to this, etc. If he goes down that path, he will likely push himself, and/or be pushed by others, toward a crowd of females and less-conformist people. Once in that circle, this environment will likely strengthen certain habits and mannerisms.

Or if, like I did, he decides to not place so much importance on this aspect of his person, he can proceed with his life more or less normally. Sure, as an attractive guy I had to kind of fend off some females without giving myself away, but I liked girls, and I liked kissing girls. I just didn't want to get into a relationship under false pretenses—and I never did. I also had many other things to juggle in my mind: school, sports, family, and friends to name a few.

I didn't want to repress my sexuality, but I also didn't feel like it defined me as a person. I have perhaps too many interests for my own good, so the idea of becoming "a gay" just didn't appeal to me. In general, I don't think it's psychologically healthy to over-identify with any one thing.

I'm not "a" anything, besides a human.

Friday, January 25, 2013

The Gym - Pt I

I fucking love the gym. Not everything about it, but many aspects.

Lifting weights is a very enjoyable activity. Once you get over the initial awkward stage where your muscles are shaking (because the nerves haven't learned how to fire correctly yet), it's awesome.

I remember when I used to go with my brother occasionally when I was about 19. It was difficult. He had been going for years and had these crazy routines and regimens that, as a beginner, were impossibly hard. My arms would tremble embarrassingly when I would do any sort of dumbbell press, and my brother would demand outlandish amounts of weight. Despite this, he would always help me get stronger, lift better, and was always encouraging. "Come on, yep—all you—you got this," he would say as I floundered under 135 lbs on the flat bench.  And the DOMS. Holy fuck, the muscle soreness; I would wake up and be unable to straighten my arm. Beneath a warm shower I would carefully extend my bicep while trying not to scream. I'm fairly certain this meant that I was training way too hard to start, but oh well; brothers will be brothers.

Over the years, my gym visits have become increasingly cemented into my life-routine. I usually despise the routine nature of life actually, but for the gym I can make an exception. I feel pretty strange if I take off a day or two during the week. The root of this strange feeling is partly guilt, partly that I feel as though I'm forfeiting progress, and partly that I really actually enjoy lifting heavy objects off the ground and putting them down again. Pressing 90 lbs in each hand and then letting them crash to the ground; doing pull ups with a 45 lb plate dangling between my legs from a weight belt; these are great feelings.

The gym is also filled with attractive guys: the muscles, the strutting around. It's so dumb in some ways, but I can't help getting turned on by it. To be clear, I go to the gym 95% to work out, but some jacked bros around certainly do not make me want to go any less. Shirts tucked into waistbands, under armour spandex peaking out from the bottom of baggy shorts, guys lifting their shirts to wipe sweat from their brow and/or flash the gym a glimpse of their abs and V.  I usually don't do this myself, but I'll make an exception if a large, but thick, bro is trying to be assertive around me. Squatting 300 pounds is a lot more impressive at 175 lbs than at 250 lbs, buddy.
shirtless soccer player


One odd negative that has come out my success at the gym is that I now hold others to a very high standard as well. It's just another item on my seemingly endless list of things that I think the ideal guy should have. Having an imperfect body is not a deal-breaker whatsoever, but my threshold for what gets me excited in another guy's body is much higher. This kind of sucks. I wish that I could get randy over a guy with a decent body, but I can't. It needs to be at least a B+ or it's not adding to my experience. I'm sure my hyper-criticality will resurface in later posts in various forms so, get exited.