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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Insecurity

Insecurity is the cause of many problems and weird behaviors.

Insecurity comes in a variety of flavors and intensities, but the result is usually some form of lameness or douchebaggery. It's lame when people don't have any self confidence, and it's douchey when people are over-confident about something in order to cover up their insecurity.

The Gays are a stereotypically insecure bunch, which is part of the reason that I am not attracted to most of them. Girls are also frequently insecure. Both are often very transparent about how insecure they are with their bodies, the way they look, how they are being perceived, and your opinion of them. Girls have all this weird shit to live up to: looking and acting a certain way, jamming themselves into all these ridiculous clothes and shoes; being smart, but not "too smart," and being in a state of constant conflict with the guys they are dating. And gays sometimes feel inherently insecure simply because they are different, i.e not hetero. So, I'm not saying it's either groups' "fault" per se, I'm just saying it's lame and unattractive.

Homos can be very undeservingly vain. They'll have nice clothes and a nice haircut, and maybe even a nice body, and so they strut around embarrassingly—unaware of the irrelevancy of that shit. As I've said, clothes are not you, and I am perfectly capable of observing that the guy with a t-shirt on is much better looking and attractive than the gay bro that's all dressed up. Surprisingly, I don't get distracted by any folds of cloth or shiny objects they might be wearing.


Again, it's not that good looking guys don't look good in nice clothes. It's that the clothes barely fucking matter, and that trying really hard with that shit just makes you insecure. 

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Drugs

Don't leave your kid Home Alone (get it?!)

While we're on the topic of misunderstood definitions and controversial standpoints, let's talk about drugs. When most hear "drugs," their mind immediately jumps to illegal drugs, but a drug in essence is anything that is not exclusively a food item that has some sort of affect on the body. This effect can be "good" or "bad" medicinal or toxic; it doesn't matter--they're all drugs. 

Drugs can be made from natural ingredients or synthetic ones. Nature has produced some of the most deadly substances and man has created some of the most curative ones, and vice versa. Each society decides which drugs are acceptable and unacceptable, but some seem to forget that it's a dynamic process. In this country we take laws very seriously, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but people seem to suffer from a good deal of amnesia. Coke, meth, heroin, ecstasy, LSD, shrooms, and opium all used to be legal. Other drugs, such as alcohol, used to be illegal, but now are legal again; in some countries alcohol is still completely illegal. 

For a number of reasons, our policy makers have decided that the drugs that are "OK" for general consumption are caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine. Some seem to think this is because these drugs are less harmful or less addictive than illegal ones, which is sometimes, but not necessarily, the case. Nicotine is more addictive than many illegal drugs, and alcohol is more damaging, for example. The most obvious comparison is between alcohol and marijuana. I personally enjoy both, and believe that they should both be legal, but if you read the science it's crystal clear that alcohol is way worse for you and way more addictive. 


I have also met a number of people that seem to think consuming illegal drugs has a moral implication. It's true that there is a relationship between excessive drug use and some morally questionable behavior, but it makes no sense to say that someone is a "bad person" for sampling a drug that happens to be illegal. If Mother Theresa snorted a little heroin one evening to relax, it wouldn't nullify her long day of helping and do-goodery. 

Monday, February 18, 2013

Flamboyance


Some are a little shaky on definitions, so let's toss another definition up for those mal-informed bros.


Note that flamboyance is not a synonym for effeminacy, and has nothing to do with orientation. When I speak about flamboyance, I'm referring to the loud and showy nature of some people.

I already made this analogy about a class room full of bright kids, but I think it's apt so I'll elaborate on it a little.

You are a teacher in a classroom and you have a class composed of different types of students. Each student has their own personality, habits, and mannerisms. Should every kid be allowed to behave exactly as they like? No. Should the teacher try to suppress their individuality or prevent them from engaging in activities that are eccentric, but harmless? Of course not. But this is a classroom so certain behaviors which are not conducive to creating a healthy learning environment are disallowed.

Say that you have one student, Peter, that is super rambunctious and energetic, but a great, nice kid. Peter is loud, interrupts your classes and other students, and occasionally takes off his shirt because he thinks the classroom is "too warm". This is just his natural way; he's a "free spirit" and really enjoyable outside of the classroom. You love him, but inside the classroom he's a nightmare and the other kid's learning is suffering because of his behavior.

You are conflicted about what to do because you don't want to crush this interesting kid's spirit, but you can't in good conscience put him above an entire class of kids who also have the right to a good education. So you teach Peter the rules of the classroom and how to behave in that environment, making sure that he knows that you think he's a special kid and that you aren't telling him to change who is as a person, simply how to behave in the classroom.

Friday, February 15, 2013

A Late Introduction

This should have been my first post.

I knew I'd get some commenters saying the same generic things people say. People love to spout trite soundbites and act as if they are original. It makes for an excellent discussion when the same things are said over and over again!

But just because you say something that's nice, that doesn't make it true.

"Everyone is beautiful." No. Some people are unattractive by definition--a reference point is the only way comparatives work.  It's a a nice statement, but not a true one unless you invent new meanings for all of the words.  These types of statements are also easy. Saying that everyone is above average doesn't make you kind, it makes you illogical.

I'm not anti-gay, pro-hate, homophobic, or any other extreme position. Read all of my posts, consult a dictionary, think about your words and then use them. Let me go on the record and say that I am pro-human, pro-individuality, and pro- doing whatever you want as long as it doesn't hurt any one else. 

Stop trying to reduce everything into binary terms. The "options" are not love or hate, proud or ashamed, and masculine or feminine. It is your prerogative to live in either the black or white space, but many of us prefer the grey area.

It's very hard to live a hypocrisy-free life, but at least try. Don't tell me that all opinions are valued and equal and then in the next sentence tell me that mine is invalid and inferior to yours. Calling someone narrow-minded while espousing over-simplified platitudes is...funny.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Gym Pt II - You lookin' a me?

Have you ever noticed that there is almost no mutual checking out at the gym? If you're interested, they're not. If they are, you are not. Over the past few years there's been one, count it, one guy whom I've been interested in at the gym who was also interested. And he was an Australian who was just visiting for the week. As I've said, I'm basically just there to work out, but I do glance around to see what's shaking.



First, you have your weakbros who don't know what the fuck they're doing. They stand around a lot, looking everywhere and at everyone because it's awkward when you first start going to the gym. They often mistakenly try to copy the biggest bros they see, even if they have terrible form. They can also be found spot training on the ab curler. Again, not hatin' as I've been there

Then you have your obvious gaybros who, while sometimes in great shape, are often shamelessly checking everyone out. It's one thing to give quick or subtle glance, but some of these bros are grilling anyone they think looks good and trying to force eye contact. 

Meanwhile, I'm focusing on my workout unless there's some particularly bodacious bro and then I just look out of the corner of my vision, occasionally. Obviously if we interact I'm totally normal about it.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Fashion

First off let me just say: "wow." I had no expectation a few weeks ago when I started this blog that I would be getting over a thousand views in a week. I appreciate your readership, my brothers, and I hope this blog continues not to suck.  But onto matters sartorial.

Fashion is dumb. It can also be fun and interesting, but everyone should realize that it is by definition superficial. Clothes are not you and you should focus on being the person that you want to be, not on wearing things that convey an image of who you want to be. Fashion also has a very limited effect on a person's attractiveness. A supermodel bro in a t-shirt is still a supermodel, and a fat gay-bro in fake glasses and skinny jeans is still...not. Lastly, the fashion industry is an international profit machine designed to churn out constantly changing trends and get people to spend money for stupid brands and products, most of which are poorly made and look like shit.

That being said, making your own style and dressing in a way that makes you feel confident is kinda sweet. I get ready in about 15 minutes in the morning so I can't say I put much time into my own choices usually, but I know what I like and what I don't. For me, it's ideal if what you're wearing evokes just a little bit of good attention, i.e  it doesn't look like you spent three hours getting ready, nor like you are a midwestern tween.

Here are some examples of fashion, that while obviously thought-out, don't go so far as to be a turn off for me.
Formal & Classic
Preppy-casual
Steezy

Athlete



bro
The above dudes' clothes enhance their attractiveness, to me at least. The below, on the other hand, is some stereotypically gay fashion, which goes too far for me; their clothes are too experimental, distracting and ostentatiously homosexual for my liking. Frankly, when I see guys dressed like this, my penis runs off and hides. It's just too precious. The guys themselves are also not as good looking, but honestly it wouldn't matter.
Look at me! I'm wearing lots of crazy shit!

No thanks.

What the actual fuck?

If I want to have sex with someone that looks like a female, I'll bang a girl. 

So take my man Ryan's advice, aight?


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Monday, February 11, 2013

Pride


Certain groups need to get a handle on what pride means.

Being proud of one's achievements is great and healthy. Some could even use a dose of self-confidence and realize that they are successful people in many ways, and that the traits that make them different are not things to be ashamed of--diversity is chill.

However, it makes very little sense to be proud of something you had no control over, e.g. things that you were born with. This includes, but is not limited to, what country you were born in, how much money your parents had, and your sexual orientation. No one chooses or "achieves" any of these things, so why the hell would it makes sense to be proud of them?

I am not proud to be an American. I am happy and lucky to be an American, although not all the time, obviously. Those of you who think you hate this country need to try living on some other ones before you make your judgement. In reality, we are a super fucked up country with tons of problems, but that doesn't mean we aren't one of the better ones in the world.

I grew up fairly well-off, but I find it laughable when I meet first generation rich kids who feel so superior to middle and lower class people. If you're under the age of 22, you did not earn any of the shit you have. Congrats to your parents, but you have nothing to be proud of, except maybe your parents--but they apparently raised a dumb, selfish kid so never mind. How can you not understand that your parents or grandparents were poor and probably leveraged some system or help so that you could now have a fucking iPad?

And now "proud" non heterosexuals. You can't have it both ways. Homosexuality is either a choice or it isn't. By framing it as something to be 'proud of' you're make it seem like you chose it or achieved it. Being gay is not an accomplishment, and it depresses me that you feel that you need to make your entire life about that facet of your person.

That being said, I do understand the whole pride movement. Some loud people were arguably necessary to rattle some cages and get the attention of society as people either didn't think homosexuality existed, thought it was a mental disorder, or irrationally feared it. It's easy for us as young people to take for granted the rights that we have today, incomplete as they may be, that were fought for by people over the past decades. Pride for having won gay rights makes sense, because it's something that was achieved; pride in simply being non hetero does not.

I sit here writing anonymously about the way things should be rather than actually taking personal action. But we all play our parts, and the process towards acceptance, not just tolerance, is just that: a process. The final step in the process is that of integration.

Wave after wave of immigrants have gone through this process in this country. Blacks, Irish, Italians, Mexicans: they began at the bottom of the totem pole, looked down on by all, but once integrated have been accepted and allowed to assume any post in society that they have earned. It was a big deal to elect a Irish Catholic like JFK, and then of course there's Obama, but there is a myriad of other examples, too.

This is happening with non heteros, but we're being held back by extremists that still feel it necessary to dance around naked with fireworks coming out of their butts to show how 'proud' they are of something they were born with. I'm not saying go away or change, I'm just saying quiet down a little. It's like having a class full of smart and interesting kids, but there is one student that is constantly raising their hand and answering every question, so the other kids are content to just sit there.

So pipe down Sebastian. And you other kids: grow some balls and raise your hand.

Class dismissed.


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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Masculinity Pt II: Gay = girl? No.

I've touched on this before, but it warrants revisiting.



This stereotype that non heteros are the same as females is horseshit. It's a very persistent stereotype, so much so that I think those trying to figure out their sexuality internalize it: "Oh because I like guys, and most girls like guys, then we must have everything else in common." It's a shame when people limit themselves by cultural norms. As trite as it sounds, we have one life, so why not experience as many interesting things as possible?

What's fair, and I believe that there is some science to back this up, is that non hetero males have a couple brain features that are more analogous to those of females, rather than those of heterosexual males. But let's be clear, being homosexual is NOT the same thing as being transgender. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just not me. 

When I was a kid I enjoyed activities from different points across the cultural spectrum of boys vs. girls play. I liked rough-housing, competitive sports, feeling like an alpha-male, but I wasn't as interested in war and killing. I didn't want to shoot song birds with my brother, that's for sure. Then again, neither did any of my guy friends. There are plenty of effeminate straight guys, just as there are plenty of stereotypically masculine homos. 
"gay"

"Not gay"

Also, I find it comical that bros that are insecure about their manliness call particular activities "gay" without realizing that those activities are often dominated by hetero males. "Oh, cooking is for bitches". Right. And the world's most famous chefs are…men. Artists, musicians, dancers, writers, actors—no shortage of hetero guys in these fields. And the armed forces as being the epitome of hetero tough-guyness? Laugh out fucking loud.

Thankfully, as the years and decades pass, 'tarded bigoted people are dying and being replaced by less bigoted ones. The second half of the equation is education. If there is such a thing as a panacea, my bet is on education.
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Thursday, February 7, 2013

Guys I've Banged Pt II - Luke

I met Luke while I was studying abroad in London. It wasn't difficult for me to make friends with the British girls who saw me as some sort of a novelty American boy, but Luke was my first foreign guy friend. He was tall, had brown hair, blue eyes and thick eyelashes. He also was into the gym so he had a nicer body than I did at the time. He was popular in the group, and while a fairly nouveau riche (fuck, I said I wouldn't use French again), he threw a lot of parties while his parents were off in Malta, or who-knows-where.

He started inviting me to "stay round his place" and I was happy not to have to make the trek back to the other side of the city at the end of the night. What's different about sleeping over at a mate's place in the UK is that you often sleep in the same bed. This is not a homo thing. It's considered rude to banish a friend to the couch. I found this weird, but everyone seemed to be clear that it was the norm. A couple months later, we were better friends and I had become accustomed to sleeping at his place in his bed.

One night we went out and, as per usual, got shit-hammered drunk. I'm talkin' shots of absinthe at four in the morning drunk. Luke, his friend Ben and I stumbled out of a cab and into his empty house. Can all three of us fit in the bed? Fuck it, it's huge--why not?

Luke was in the middle and Ben and I were on the outside. I had been asleep for some minutes when I felt something brushing up against my junk. John had scooted his euro-briefs-covered butt back to the point where it was lightly touching me. Luke claimed the next day that I had made the first move, and I swear that he had, but it was so blurry that I can't actually be sure. We started grinding up against each other, now both fully aroused, and started making out. I honestly can't remember whether either of us finished, but it was a wild time with Ben passed out right next to us.



In the morning we acted like nothing had happened, and it was apparent that Ben had slept through the whole thing. From then on things got a little weird.

I didn't really like Luke as more than a friend. I just wasn't attracted to him in that way. But I would get drunk and shit would happen. He later told me that lying in bed with my arm around him had been "the safest and most comfortable he had ever felt". This scared the shit out me. Luke was falling in love with me and I didn't feel the same way. I wanted to stay friends, but I was increasingly having to defend against his sexual advances. Worse was that he started to get jealous when I would talk to female friends. At one point this girl that liked me pseudo rape-kissed me in front of him and for weeks he would make up excuses for why she wasn't allowed to come to his parties. I came dislike him more and more as this strange love polygon formed, so I was in some sense glad to extricate myself and return to the US.

Luke came out shortly thereafter and transformed into a fairly typical gay bro—getting into the scene and sleeping with a bunch of guys. He later found a serious boyfriend and they dated for a couple years, I think. We talked once on Facebook a few years later:
"Hey, so you do you not like guys anymore or something?"
"No, I do."
"But you haven't told anyone yet?"
"Just a few people."
"I don't get it. Have you been trying to cover it up by dating girls?"
"No, not really."
"You should just come out. It's way better and no one cares"
"I will eventually. Just doesn't make sense right now"
Luke was the first guy to express feelings toward me that I couldn't return. Unfortunately, he would not be the last.

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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The North Pole Effect

chillbro17: Hey what's up?
coolguy12: Yo man, good. How are you?
……15 minutes later……
chillbro17: Well it was great to meet you, seems like we have a lot in common.
coolguy12: Yeah you seem chill too dude, I think we'd get along really well.
chillbro 17: So where are you from?
coolguy12: 6000 miles away
chillbro17: Perfect. Welp, see you never. 

I wish that I could count the number of times that I have had this conversation, but I can't. If you are in Australia, he's in the US. If you're in Europe he's in Argentina. If you're on the North Pole, he's on the South pole.

In this sense the internet is a superb way to find great dudes, but sometimes it just makes you more frustrated with where you are currently located.

If you move to a bigger city there is likely to be a higher percentage of non heteros. And I appreciate what living in a city gives: easy transportation, diverse food and people, a great night life etc. But I miss being able to see more than four stars, the smell and taste of unpolluted air; and the general sense that things can, and will, wait. Sigh, just one of those days, bros. Just one of those days.


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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Hetero Friends

The title of this post should really just be "friends" as all of my friends are hetero. I'd like to have friends that aren't hetero, but I don't want to settle for people who suck. Attraction to the same gender is not enough in common to build a real friendship. I have some friends that live in other places that I talk to about non-hetero stuff, but no one that I can go grab a beer with regularly.

I can also kind of talk to a my two close guy friends who know that I like dudes. I say 'kind of' because even though it isn't awkward, they still say hilariously ignorant shit. I still remember the shocked and confused looks on their faces the day I told them. "B-but…you can't be…you…but". It was complicated because we had all joked about homo stuff in a non-derogatory way. And even though I was being serious when I made statements like "Nah, I'm not really into dating girls," they seemed to agree that I was some sort of super-hetero. In fact, they both thought the whole thing was an extended joke for the entire day.



One friend has started qualifying everything he says to make him seem like he's chill with me liking guys, I guess? So he'll say "...like a really hot girl—or bro (!)...girls or guys, you know, either one. Whatever".  I don't need him to add "or guys" after everything because I don't give a shit whom he is attracted to, and just expect the same lack of interest. Also, whenever he gets drunk (which is often) he'll ask some ridiculous question that has clearly been burning in his mind: "so you wouldn't be [on the] bottom, right?" or "isn't it just too tight?" They seem to have amnesia when it comes to the fact that heteros have plenty of anal sex. And maybe they just assume everyone has monstrous genitalia? I can't explain what goes on in their minds.

It's also weird when my guy friends get cuddly or sleep in my bed. Yes, this happens and I never give the invitation. It's one thing if the guy knows and everything is above board. It's weird when he doesn't know, but is getting kind of affectionate towards me in a bro-y, but not sexual, way. I'm not attracted to any of my close friends because they are like brothers, but it puts me in a weird situation. I want to bro-out, and I'm capable of doing it in a playful, platonic way, but I don't want them to later think that I was trying to pull something, even though they were the ones initiating the behavior. On the other hand, friends of friends are fair game. I crush on my bros' friends pretty hard and pretty consistently, and sometimes even get in my own head about whether they might be into dudes. The brothers of friends can also be killer.


Regardless, I have a great group of guy friends and we have a raging good time together regularly. Our guy time usually doesn't have anything to do with "getting bitches" so there's no conflict. Most of them don't know that I'm not so into females, but I like to think that the majority of them wouldn't give a shit. At the same time, I have to wonder whether it would change things to an extent if they did know. Sexuality is a surprisingly common topic, and I don't need to talk about it all the goddamn time. I'm imagining someone saying "blow me" and there being an awkward pause, followed by heads turning to me. Realistically, I'd just make a joke and we'd move on, but it could still change the entire dynamic of the group.

I'm hoping that I'll just find a really cool guy and that I'll just introduce the idea through him and once they realize that it's not weird and that it actually is just like a bunch of guys hanging out until the end of the night when they pair off with dumb girls and I don't. Pray to some deities on my behalf that this occurs sooner rather than later. Thanks.


















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Monday, February 4, 2013

New York City

New York: the city that never stops talking about itself






















First I'll admit that I either live here now or that I used to live there, so that you know that I'm not just bullshitting in this post.

New York is unquestionably one of the best cities in the world, and in the top two or three in the US by a number of measures. It is home to millions and is truly a melting pot of culture. It's also been a haven for socially progressive people, including non heteros, for quite some time.

But—and of course there's a but—it's not the paradise that many seem to think it is. What people need to realize is that it's very different to visit New York than it is to live in New York.

When you visit New York you are on vacation. You enjoy what the city has to offer, and maybe live the lifestyle for a weekend. Living in New York is mostly about working. Most people that aren't independently wealthy work all the time, and when they're not working, they are talking about work. People even brag about how late they have to work; it's this fucked-up competition of who can be the most miserable.
New Yorker A: "Ugh I had to work until 11PM last night, it was brutal"
New Yorker B: "Oh, that's cute that you think that's late. I was at the office until 3AM." 
Many guys that I've met think of New York City as their ultimate destination and have a fairly warped understanding of it.
I didn't grow up here and I'm not an expert, but there are some generalizations I've made that I think are fair.

The Good:
- The average person you see on the streets is way above the average level of attractiveness
- There are many interesting and motivated people doing interesting things
- Amazing career opportunities
- It feels like the center of universe and the origin of ideas and creativity. This is partly an illusion, but it feels pretty cool
- It's a very liberal and progressive city so whatever your quirks are, you're unlikely to raise eyebrows
- World-class everything
- Many non-heteros

The Bad:
- Plenty of overpriced stuff. Certain things are worth the money, others are just expensive for the sake of being expensive, which is of course stupid.
- Insane people. There are statistics to back this up—a large proportion of people in NYC see a psychiatrist and/or are on some form of medication. I actually like people that are a little weird, but in NY you have to be careful because there are many people that are completely out of their fucking minds
- It's filthy. Once you've been to a clean city (see: pretty much any city in Western Europe), it's hard to get over how disgusting the streets of New York are. Especially because if you were renting almost any other city, you'd be in a palace. 
- Work/life balance. Unless you're very high up at your company, or just lucked out, you're probably working your face off and barely have any time to enjoy the astounding number of things there are to do in the city.
- The non-hetero bros, while abundant, tend to be the more stereotypical type. So this can be kind of depressing: to be surrounded by so many NTs, but so few you're actually interested in.
- New Yorkers that have been in the city too long. They forget that at one point they too were able to live without the "best waffles in the city". Sure, it's nice to have great stuff, but people get so obsessed with how one thing or another is "the best in the city" that it just gets nauseating.



Lastly, I wanted to thank those of you that are following NHB—you guys are awesome and I really appreciate the comments and feed back.
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Saturday, February 2, 2013

Finding a "chill bro" - Pt II

People ask me regularly "what are you looking for?" or "what is your type?" I usually respond that I don't have a type, which is true. I can find people attractive that have a very large set of characteristics. Beyond that, I find that people have an intangible je ne sais quois that is the actual root of my attraction to them. I'll try to never include French in a post again, don't worry.


That being said, there are some attributes that signal a guy is or isn't right:

Deal breakers:
  • Can't carry a conversation
  •  Overweight
    •  My body is a result of my hard work. I don't expect muscles per se, but fat is (surprisingly) a turnoff
  • Facial attractiveness of less than 7/10
  • Feminine mannerisms
    • I don't mean activities. There's nothing 'feminine' to me about cooking or painting. I mean way of speaking and body language mostly. If that's your thing, great.
  • Under 5'6
    • I'm 6'1.
 Very Important
  • Intelligence
  • Enjoys athletic and/or outdoor activities
  • Common interests in general
  • Facial attractiveness in general

Important
  • Education
  • Some class
    • This makes me seem like a douchebag, but notice I put it in the third tier. Plus, a little goes a long way.
  • Muscles/nice body
  • Would get along well with my friends and family
  • Ambition
    • Don't need a big career man, but someone that is enthused to get a lot out of life, regardless of how he plans to go about that.
 Nice, but just icing:
  • Interesting eyes
  • Nice ass
  • Swag 
  • Doesn't dress like an idiot


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