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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Dem Cookie Cuttah Brahs



So I received this comment on my last post, and I think it's a good one. Well not "good" in the sense that it has anything insightful or interesting to say--it doesn't--but good in the sense that it adequately presents the stereotypical perspective for why some people believe everyone ought to be out the moment they realize they like guys. Read my favorite post, A Late Introduction, for the earlier manifestation of this type of discussion. 

AnonymousApr 9, 2013, 7:43:00 AM
dude, reach around in your pants for a sec. down there you might find these two dangly things called balls. you should grab onto them, get over how "friends" might react and tell people.
reasons:
1. you can be honest about your feelings with yourself and others
2. you're more free to share the views you share here but IRL
3. you learn who your friends are
4. it gets better an shit
blaming your mates for not "pumping you up" sounds like you're projecting your own hangups on the issue.
and blaming karma or the universe or something for not delivering to you a knight in shining gay armour in order to make it easy for you to come out is, well, come on: honey really?
just come out to the next person you have coffee with, start with that, who ever it is.

So let's take this hodgepodge of generic talking points and false dichotomies one piece at a time.


dude, reach around in your pants for a sec. down there you might find these two dangly things called balls. you should grab onto them, get over how "friends" might react and tell people.
reasons:
Alright bro, we won't get into the fact that you don't know how to construct an English sentence.  What you seem to be trying to say here is that I don't have balls and that I'm scared of what my friends, who, by your use of quotation marks, you presume not to be real friends, will think. This is, of course, bullshit. I am very confident that all my close friends and family will be fine with the fact that I like dudes, so it doesn't really require any "balls" to tell them. When I told my two best guy friends, I didn't make a big deal out of it; I just said something along the lines of, "You guys all think I'm hetero, but I'm not." They were both supportive and I can talk to them about whatever. If you had read my post instead of just blindly commenting you would have understood this.
reasons:
1. you can be honest about your feelings with yourself and others
Again, this idea that you can't be honest with yourself unless you tell everyone every detail about yourself and wear all your emotions on your sleeve is...flawed, to put it gently. I already covered the extent to which I am honest with others.
2. you're more free to share the views you share here but IRL
It's another (false) assumption that what I say on here I'm saying for the first time or the last time. Even if that were the case, not everything you think needs to, or should, be shared. Talking a lot is not the same thing as being a "free" or "honest" person. One can be quiet, free, and honest, as easily as loud, mentally restrained and disingenuous. For the record, anything that I want to say, I say. I speak up when my friends or other people say stupid shit, whether it's about homos or any other issue.
 3. you learn who your friends are
I agree that if a dude decides they don't like you suddenly based on your orientation that they weren't a friend to begin with but, as I've said, I don't anticipate this with any of my close friends, so this point is largely irrelevant in my case.
4. it gets better an [sic] shit
Derp. Way to assume my life sucks. My life is already good. I am happy. I just also want a chill dude as the icing. That's all.
blaming your mates for not "pumping you up" sounds like you're projecting your own hangups on the issue.
Oh yeah, how absurd of me to expect that my best bros would be vocally supportive of me telling other people? Weren't you just trying to teach me what "real" friends are? And thank you very much for your dime-store psychoanalysis, but the concept of "projecting" is a debunked Freudian theory, which you also used incorrectly. One can't "project hangups [onto an] issue". Under the theory, one takes how one feels and falsely projects it as how another person feels. But good luck projecting your emotions onto rocks, bro. By the way, accusing someone of projecting is one of the easiest, most hollow, pseudo-intellectual maneuvers one can make in a discourse.
and blaming karma or the universe or something for not delivering to you a knight in shining gay armour in order to make it easy for you to come out is, well, come on: honey really?
Read. Just fucking read. Do you actually think I'm just waiting around, twiddling my thumbs waiting for the perfect bro to walk through the door?  I never invoked karma or the universe, and you're incredibly dense if took that last line at face value.
just come out to the next person you have coffee with, start with that, who ever it is.
I've done this. I've told strangers or less close friends that I'm into dudes. It wasn't particularly "freeing" and a "huge weight wasn't lifted off of my shoulders". You again assume that I'm miserable and suffering in some dark closet. But for those of us that are aren't defined by our sexuality, not sharing whom we have sex with is more akin to closing the door when we take a piss. Sure, if you're close friends with someone, you could leave the door open and it'd be chill. But peeing and fucking are relatively private things, and they don't "need" to be shared with everyone in order to have a healthy mind.

It's important to have people in your life whom you trust and feel you can tell anything. I have that. My friends and family are almost universally liberal or at least socially progressive, so they are not what is holding me back from coming out. Surprisingly, the actual reasons can be found in the strangely-titled post "Why I'm Not 'Out' Yet".

I do get a good laugh out of anonymous commenters getting "sassy", calling me "honey" and giving me the uniquely sage advice to "get over it". At the same time it amazes me how ingrained some of these peoples' thought processes are. They can't help but reduce things to a simple black and white: if I'm not doing X then I must be doing Y.

There's no need to force yourself into a cookie-cutter. You don't have to talk, dress, behave etc in any particular way. If you happen to align with one stereotype or another, that's fine, but don't try to claim that someone is insincere simply because they don't align in the way you think they should.

Cheers.







2 comments:

  1. Epic post braj.

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  2. The problem is if every time your friends think you're taking a piss in the stall, you're actually taking a dump instead, and they're like wait wuh why're you taking so long?? ....Does that analogy make any sense??? I was trying to extend your analogy but I suck at shit like this. All I know is, the first two friends I came out to were my best buds and they're still my best buds till this day and I love em. But after that along the way I came out to wrong kinds of people, and I didn't feel any sort of liberation at all from telling them. It was even worse when I told girls that I just met, since they immediately saw me as gay and nothing else, and started fag-hagging hardcore and I actually got really depressed by my coming out that I had to go on anti-depressants.

    That was like two months ago. I'm now in a much better place, having completely ditched the faghags and my bitchy gay friends. I'm out to quite a few people now and it's generally a pretty aiight feeling, not really anything that incredibly "liberating" per se. I'll say it really depends on personality, because I'm the kind of guy where lying really eats away at me, and I'm incredibly honest about everything else in my life, so it was really holding me back not being honest about my sexuality with my friends. There are many friends that after coming out to them, it's all "thanks for trusting me" and we just never really talk about it again and go on just like we have always done. So I don't know, while I think coming out is really stupid, I'm pretty happy I did.

    Man my comment's really long...but to add on, I think it's a myth that coming out means that you meet more gay guys and hence increase your chances of finding a partner. Because so far I've only met bitchy gay guys or horny gay guys and really no one that I can see myself settling down with. It still all boils down to right place, right time, really.

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