Tuesday, June 25, 2013

American Hetero

Hi internets,

I just wanted to write to so you don't get worried about me.

Things are going pretty well for me here in the real world, but that doesn't mean I don't think about you regularly. I still think you're chill and cherish our friendship, and shit. So, like, let's stay in touch and set a skype date super soon OK?!


But ya know, it's weird being a twenty-something in this country. Most people are in this strange liminal state between young adulthood and "real" adulthood. They have jobs, but aren't necessarily starting their "career". We graduated from college, but some people are already back in school or planning on returning in the next year or two. We have some disposable income, which we're great a disposing of, so probably have no savings.  This means many of us live weekend to weekend, pay check to pay check, regardless if we make 100K or 30K.

Some of us are trying to become more adult by doing things like taking better care of our health, getting up early on the weekends, calling our parents, making dinner for each other, and generally trying to plan more things. We say stuff like "c'mon we aren't in college any more" or "I just want to do something a little". Others of us still feel like college kids, only older and more guilty about our decisions. We say things like "Just because we graduated doesn't mean we can't still have fun" or "we're only X years old, it's not like we're Y". 

Why don't you just grow up and be miserable like everyone else? Work too much. Get out of shape. Let your mind dull and liquify. Get into a committed relationship with someone that isn't right for you and hold onto them for dear life.

Once things are serious it's time to move-in together. Next you get a dog. Or if you are a serial killer, a cat. Either way it's like a practice-kid. If you're bad parents and let it die you don't even go to jail! I know, sounds like a great deal. You do have to pick up its warm shit with a plastic bag, though.

Isn't our dog the cutest?! It's genetically modified to be hypoallergenic, and we pinned its ears back and chopped its tail down to make it cuter, too. It also functions as a mop, so we threw out our Swiffer®! Hopefully by the time we have kids we will be able to have the same type of customization options.

Then it's time to get married or be very concerned with marriage. No more fucking around—it's time to find a serious partner. Make sure to let your friends and family pick them for you, or pick someone that everyone hates and is whispering about behind your back up until your wedding day. Either way is fine because the clock is ticking and you look worse every day. Time to trap someone better than you or settle for someone 'meh'.

THERE IS NO TIME! All of your friends are going to be married and having dogs and kids and dogs, and cats, and more kids and fish and dogs. How in debt are you? Definitely not enough in debt enough from your education and wedding. Time to buy a house that you can't afford. Can I put it on my credit card? Oh, perfect. There is literally not a single way this could end badly and luckily I have no knowledge of history or economics.

Hold onto hand rail as you ascend the stairs.

Take the road more travelled. It's safer.

Stop learning. It's distracting from what's important and there very little money in it.

Give up on your passions; flush your dreams.

Dreams and passions in this economy? Are you retarded? No, I'm being serious. Do you have autism? OK, well you're probably at least on the spectrum because you clearly don't understand that life is about who can be more unhappy, making money, and ensuring our kids and everyone around us is unhappy. But that's not to say you can't still smile! In fact you can and should paste on a smile whenever you see anyone so they know how happy you are, and how great you're doing!

Gee golly gosh.

Hmm...let me think about it

No thanks. 


  1. Protesting a little too much there, perhaps?!

    When you analyse it, it is a little depressing how some people go through the motions. My take on it is that so long as you maintain some perspective - specifically, an awareness of how ridiculous it all is - it's fine to pick and choose which elements you conform to. As you know, I've carved out my own version of some of the stereotypes you describe, and I can't say that I feel like I'm missing out on some potentially more fulfilling existence. If hedonism was really the answer, I figure a lot more people would be doing it.

    Fact is, any path we choose gets repetitive after a while. A few people jump from path to path and seem to achieve real variety in their lives, but again I don't believe there's any more worth in variety than in a life of relative routine and safety. If anything really matters, I think it's the way we assign our own importance and value to things and people and experiences.

    I don't mean any of that to be defeatist: I've become invested in your story, and hope you continue to prosper, in whichever sense you decide is important.

  2. Sorry mate, my skype is broken :|

    I agree with everything you said though. You're just one of those people who are not suited to the traditional, well-travelled path; cogs in the system if you will.

    Don't go down that path -strike out your own.

    I believe in you!

  3. lol! So true, but in reality you can only take your own path on a limited amount of levels, and it's better to stay on the paved paths in other domains. If not you'll get completely lost in the jungle.
    Not immediately, but after a while, because people need a certain amount of overlapping interests and experiences to really understand, connect and bond with others. Although it might look tempting to do everything your way, you'll lose every connection with people around you and finally with reality.
    But for that limited amount of things you'd do different, I'd say just do!

  4. Wait....did I write this? Man do I relate to this post.

  5. Here's an uncomfortable thought: the majority of the population of the world exists just to sustain the population of the world. It *has* to be so. Most people *have* to be content with the house/car/2.5 kids/dog/etc. Most people *have* to be satisfied with mediocrity.

    And most of them, at some point, swore they weren't going to be like their parents. That they were going to go out and be crazy and change the world. That they were different.

    And then life happens, and they turn into their parents and settle down and end up content, even if it isn't what they think they want.

    Evolution is driven by the biological mutants. Culture is driven by the cultural mutants. I typically break it down in my head as this: 70% of the population is just biomass. Another 20% are the transitional group: friendly to change and new experiences but not necessarily adventurous. That remaining 10% makes up every artist and sociopath and dreamer and explorer and murderer in the world - all the people who don't "fit in", who can't (for whatever reason) buy into the standard roles.


    “America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.”
    ― O.W.

    “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
    ― O.W.

    “I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
    ― O.W., The Happy Prince and Other Stories

    “I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.”
    ― O.W.

    “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
    ― O.W.

    “You can never be overdressed or over educated.”
    ― O.W.

    “I am not young enough to know everything.”
    ― O.W.

    “You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
    ― O.W., The Picture of Dorian Gray


    “You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.”
    ― O.W.

    “Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.”
    ― O.W.

    "Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.”
    ― O.W.