Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Chillest (and weirdest). Dad. Ever.

My pop is a crazy guy. He grew up in a Manhattan suburb surrounded by millionaires like the Rockafellers and other "important" people, and attended the best schools in the country. He also smoked a ton of "marijuana cigarettes" and experimented with other drugs. Despite his preppy origins, he always felt like an alternative person. This is partly expressed outwardly, in that he has long-ish hair, wears converse and is teaching himself how to play the guitar, but more importantly it's something he feels internally that dictates how he has sculpted his life.

Over the years, my Dad has had few jobs, but his primary modus operandi has always been that of an intellectual. And since I was fairly young, my father has treated me like an intellectual equal, despite his vast knowledge and experience. Perhaps more importantly, he has treated me like a friend. In fact, he's friendly to, and respectful of, basically everyone. And even though he's an atheist, I have no qualms likening his views and actions to that of a figure like Jesus Christ.

I went home last weekend, partly because it happened to be Father's Day on Sunday. My brother and sister were there for part of the time, and we all had a great weekend of outdoor activities, good food and conversation. My Dad and I got in the car to head to the airport and I decided I was finally going to tell him. He recently got remarried so we were already on the topic of marriage, child rearing, and relationships in general.
"Well that's not something I'm going to have to deal with," I said.
"What's that?"
"The whole being married to a woman thing."
There is a brief silence.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I think I was pretty clear."
And so, after many discussions over the years about gay marriage, sexual orientation and sexuality, we were finally having a conversation in which he actually knew where I stood. A bit later he asked,
"So you told some of your friends, but I guess it's hard to tell your parents, huh?"
"No, not really. It just didn't seem like that big of a deal."
"Yeah I guess that's true. It shouldn't be a big deal."
He then talked a bit about his experiences, and his impression of how sexuality works. He conjectured that most men were probably attracted to other men in some capacity, and noted that it can be "confusing". He even confided in me that he had had fantasies that involved men. He went on to imply that his current relationship with his new wife was essentially the first sexually fulfilling relationship he had ever had.

This was way beyond what I expected him to contribute, and while very honest and interesting, it made me feel a little less sure of myself. Here he was saying that being attracted to guys is perfectly normal, and that not being attracted to all girls was normal—and that  those facts didn't necessarily mean anything.

I think my Dad is a bit strange on that last part, though. Sure, there is definitely some over-compensation when it comes to guys talking about how much they say they want to bang every girl they see, but I do think that—for most most guys—when they meet a girl, they immediately evaluate them sexually and quietly decide whether or not they would have sex with them given the opportunity.

I know that I do not do this with the vast majority of girls that I meet. I know that when girls aren't around, I rarely think about them. And I know that when I meet an attractive guy, I do develop a noticeable mancrush on him, which can last for an indefinite amount of time. There are bros who are friends of friends, who I haven't seen in over a year, and I still think about them randomly.

I told my Dad that I had thought about it a lot, and that I wasn't confused that girls weren't my thing. I did acknowledge, however, that I believed we fall in love with people and we're attracted to individuals.

This is for another post, but I think I have hetero friends that legitimately like girls, but for whatever reason have an attraction to me in particular. I recently had another hetero friend get into bed with me and grab at my junk. This is a close friend of mine, so I'm not attracted to him. Again, maybe I'm crazy, but when I become close friends with a guy, any pre-existing desires I had for them tend to evaporate. In this case, I never had a mancrush on him. So he's there kind of beating me off, and I'm the one pretending to be asleep? What the fuck?

And I know some people are going to say "If he he is interested in your junk then he is obviously a homo, duh!!" But I truly think that this guy, and the other, have never tried this with anyone else and wouldn't have with me if they knew I liked guys. It's almost like a "safe" way for them to explore this peripheral attraction that they have. It's just fucked up that none of us seem to be able to connect with the person who wants us back.

After my flight landed I turned on my phone and received this text from my Dad:

Apparently it's genetic, Dad. 


  1. Wow...a lot of shit in this post. I got tons to say, but won't get to most of it, but I do want to say this:
    I envy your ability to talk to your dad like you have. Unfortunately, I never had that opportunity, but in my heart, I think he would have reacted a lot like yours did.

    I am so envious of you and where you are in your life. So many times, I have wished that I had as much of my shit together when I was your age as you do.

    Keep writing. And thanks.

  2. Only about two weeks after you said "shit was going down", not bad man hah

  3. your dad said it best: you're a totally cool person!

  4. Your dad sounds like a generally cool person, though the phrasing as you presented it could come off a bit as the "it's just a phase" kind of speech (not sure if that's how it was intended, but even your musings here seem to indicate it gave you that vibe). Still, it was probably just be shock-of-the-moment type stuff. Some people feel like they have to say *something* to "make it okay" right away and end up saying not-the-best-thing in their haste.

    I've had similar experiences with straight guys being uber-comfortable around me to the point of getting... well, flirty or downright physical. Conversations with a couple of them about it tend to boil down to a mix of "I feel really comfortable around you" and "most people aren't 100% straight or gay". Curiosity plays a big factor as well: a guy may want to experience something but not trust anyone else to be discreet.

    I'm... less than comfortable with the idea of someone doing something to you without consent. Extenuating circumstances and all that, but it potentially sets a bad precedent.