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Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Struggling

I think it's dumb when bloggers say "I've been busy" and imply that they are so busy that they don't have enough time to write a blogpost. They are not that busy, and I'm not that busy. I've have been much busier, but mostly I just haven't felt like writing lately.

I think I sort of "chickened out" out last weekend in not telling a couple more close buds that I like dudes. I don't normally have this problem. I usually think about something carefully and then once I've decided to do it, I do it. So it kind of made me feel like shit that I backed down. I really didn't think I was scared to tell people, but maybe I am a little. But it doesn't feel like fear, it feels like something else.


I also set all these stupid rules for myself, such as that I can't tell people when we're drunk because that's "cheating" and trite. I don't want to hide behind the inhibitions of alcohol or have the story go "NH was wasted and 'confessed' that he likes dudes". This is not going to be a confession and it's not going to be something done in a "weakened" state of mind. I want the mood to stay light-hearted and not awkward. I can do that. I can. My friends will be chill with it, so that's not what worries me.

I still believe that if I found a sweet bro then this would be much easier, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse not to get shit done. Ryan is getting pissed off at me I think, but apparently not enough to actually say how he feels. I'm seeing him again next weekend, but I'm not sure the situation will change much.



Every summer is a blur, but the summer of 2013 is definitely going to be one to remember. I'll make sure of that.

Carpe YOLO.

3 comments:

  1. I've theoretically been "out" all my life (I've never even kissed a girl), and yet there's still a certain amount of trepidation when I have to shine a spotlight on the fact that I'm not straight. It's far less "unnatural"-feeling when it comes up casually rather than when I have to bring it up. I mean, I don't talk about my sex life or dating life with pretty much anyone - it's no one's business except the people I'm doing it with - so I think having to focus on it in whatever context is what throws me off.

    Anyway, good luck with it.

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  2. marcher312 from rjJun 8, 2013, 3:10:00 AM

    hmmm i found this post to be really interesting...it's interesting when we do things that are unexpected and then we aren't able to really explain it. well i'm not out, except to my sisters...but i don't know if it is fear holding me back from coming out. i don't want people to think of me as a different person, i think that is the thing deterring me most from coming out. i don't know if that is fear because i'm pretty comfortable with my sexual preference, and i have told acquaintances that i'm gay...it may be the fear of change, of living a life different from the one i'm currently living. yet at the same time i also want that because i'm not fully satisfied with my current state....haa its kind of funny to think about. i don't know, i think i feel like my identity is threatened a little bit, at least the identity i have been living up until now....hmmm...haha well anyway bro, i'm sure you'll find a way to work everything out. hope you're doing well.

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    Replies
    1. You make some good points. Send me an email if you want to stay in touch dude.

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