Tuesday, July 9, 2013

WTF Am I Doing: The Ryan Situation

The other day things with Ryan lurched in a strangely serious direction.

I think from his perspective we transitioned from "hooking up" to "dating" a few weeks ago. But from my perspective we were still in the "feel out if this works" phase. I was going with the flow and trying to give it a chance because he's a nice, cute guy and we have fun together.

Neither of us is particularly communicative, but on Sunday he asked "So we're just hooking up with each other right?" And I answered, honestly, that I wasn't hooking up with anyone else. And his nonverbal reaction indicated "phew, so we are dating". But I don't consider us as dating, nor him as my boyfriend.

The other weekend he invited me to go on a trip just the two of us to his family's house outside the city. I agreed, and then backed out because it felt like a step. I think he was a bit pissed, but then we still hung out that weekend, just not the whole time.

I am in no way trying to "play games" with him. I was legitimately hoping that hanging out more with him would tip the scale from "good, cute guy" to "I'm nuts about this bro", but it hasn't.

So now I'm in this awkward position where essentially the last thing we have said is that we're dating, when I know with pretty good certainty that I don't want him to be my brofriend. Honestly, I don't think I'm the right bro for him either, but he seems very sure that I am. He's definitely been making an effort to make it work, which I appreciate, but it's just not enough.

And hey, even the sex was better. Substantially better, but again--not really enough.

I've never fully dated someone before so this is all kind of foreign territory for me, but my inclination is that I should break it off before he actually falls in love with me, although maybe he already has. Either way, it's only going to be more painful the longer I wait, right?

Romantic relationships seem pretty fucking messy and improbable.

So what's "wrong" with him?

It's not really that there's anything "wrong" with him, it's more that he's just not quite what I'm looking for. He's not at all effeminate, but he's also not particularly masculine, and I feel like I'm attracted to stereotypically masculine traits.

Some seem to assume that the ideal guy-guy relationship involves one "dominant" bro and one less dominant bro. But for me, I want us both to be possibly dominant. If I wanted someone to be soft, pliable and delicate, I think I'd just go for girls. I like rough-housing with guys and kind of wrestling around in bed. I'll pin you down, you pin me down. That's hot as fuck. I don't want you to just lay there, and I don't want to be confusing you with a girl  in any way.

He's also a bit vanilla for me. He maybe noticed this was my impression of him, and has (I think) been making an effort to the point where he even brought up that "vanilla is boring". But words are just that.

His friends are an combination of nice, insecure, status-seekers and he has no close straight friends from what I can tell. It also seems like a bad sign that I wouldn't quite want to introduce him to my friends and family. He's pretty close, though.

I'd like to stay friends with him, but I think he's likely to be hurt and angry, regardless of how I try to communicate the situation to him.

Shit's rarely easy...

Also watch this youtube video (definitely going to want to mute it).


  1. I'd wrap up the loose ends ASAP man. He will thank you years from now.

  2. Yep...tell him now. And just be truthful..."I like you a lot, bro, love to be your best friend, but not gonna be a brofriend or more."
    Or however you choose to say it.
    As for what you are looking for, I am totally in the same boat. Now dating a guy [somewhere between dating and seriously committed] who fits my bill perfectly, and it is just like you say you are looking for. Both dominant guys who give in at the right time. I know I enjoy being dominant, but sometimes I like to flip.

    Good luck.