Thursday, September 26, 2013

Clues Your Friend Is Not Hetero

  1. He cares about personal hygiene/grooms himself/is not dirty
  2. He wears nice clothes
  3. He owns a pink shirt
  4. He doesn't play sports
  5. He's fashionable
  6. He's tidy with his stuff
  7. He ate a salad once
  8. He is "out of your league" and isn't interested in you
  9. He watches X
  10. He listens to Y
  11. He says Z
  12. Other ridiculous bullshit

Alright you get the idea. For the record, much of the above list might be more accurately be "clues your friend is European".  And before my list, let me go ahead and admit it's not going to be perfect or applicable to everyone, but based on my experience, it's a more accurate compilation of clues that your friend is not a hetero. It's also less about any individual clue than many in conjunction. 

For guys/general:
  • He "missed" that hot girl that just walked by—they rarely seem to catch his eye
  • When discussing what to do for the night, "hot chicks" don't seem to play a part in his consideration
  • He generally seems to be very picky when it comes to girls, compared to other guys—she's too this or too that for him
  • Guys seem to be less of a target for criticism, especially attractive ones
  • He's more protective than average when it comes to access to his phone and/or computer
  • If he's not protective of his computer and phone, then he probably has little to no browsing history or has empty text message conversations
  • He makes a point of not doing anything too homoerotic
  • He knows or encounters very pretty girls but does not try to get their number or "close" or make an effort to do much more than talk to them
  • If he's into you, he might be a little awkward/flustered around you if you're naked or half naked
  • If he's into you, he may be overly critical of your female interest compared to other guy friends (he may do this unwittingly)
  • He has substantially more platonic female friends than your other guy friends 
  • He's never had a serious girlfriend (high school doesn't count)

For girls in particular:
  1. When you're hooking up he doesn't seem to be too interested in progressing much past kissing, and he's not religious
  2. He's "passed out" more than once while you were hooking up
  3. When he meets your attractive guy friend he doesn't seem as competitive as other guys. If anything, he seems interested in befriending them
  4. He flirts with you in front of his friends, but then when you're alone he doesn't seem as interested in you
  5. He's at your house and gets caught up talking or doing something with your brother who he thinks is "pretty cool"
  6. He wants to "take things slow" or is "old fashioned" only when it comes to phsyical intimacy 
Sex in the shower? Sounds great, I'm just super tired 
Open to further suggestions, so lay it on me bros.

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  1. He won't stop yappin about how much he loves dick in and around his mouth

  2. This is a solid list. I'd also add that 'he is very relationship focused with girls and "doesn't like to just hook-up" '.

  3. also, can't stop talking about gay guys/gay-related things, even though he doesn't like them at all. (closet homophobe)

  4. Not so sure about the platonic female friends one, and lay off the Europeans (unless you specifically mean continental Europe, in which case I'll go with it).

    Otherwise a well thought out list, which I guess could be summarised as 'total lack of romantic interest in females'. Funny thing is, even though people stopped asking me the awkward girlfirend questions years ago, some of them still don't make the connection. Maybe I should just obtain a pink shirt and be done with it...

  5. Closet dudes, in my experience, seem to really prefer asian chicks as beards

    1. Good call. Whenever my buddies would talk about girls and sexual matters I would always make it clear that I had an "asian fetish". I don't know why I chose Asian women as my fake beard (though they are beautiful), I'm thinking it's because they're exotic like a man but not a man, or something along those lines.

  6. write a book please. kthxbye

  7. He describes attractive girls as "pretty" or "attractive" rather than "hot" and "banging" haha

  8. +1 here @He's more protective than average when it comes to access to his phone and/or computer

  9. Great list.
    Maybe you could add, when you ask him if he is gay, he either avoids the question, just doesn't answer, looks at you like "Why are you asking me that?", gets pissed off at you, or says "Yes". Sure signs.

    I've been thinking. If you really think he's gay, and really don't care, it always helps to talk about a gay guy who you admire [not emotionally admire, just think he's cool], and he might just tell you the truth. Having been gay for a long time but never having the guts to admit it, I might have if I found a friend who I thought would have still liked me.

  10. Its frightening how predictable I am

  11. Start writing again you charming asshole.