Monday, December 9, 2013

Bro Mail #2

I don't even mind that some/most/all of it is obviously made up. 

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yo dude you inspired me to conduct a grindr experiment of my own this past weekend. Findings are as follows:

Work was a little slow on Friday, so I downloaded grindr (think there should be another vowel in there somewhere) and did a little reconnaissance so I would be able to blend in with the other dudes on said app. After about 30 seconds on there, I knew exactly how to play it, so after work I went to the gym and made a beeline for the locker room where I snapped a shirtless selfie (you know, so I could really put myself inside the machine) and waited eagerly for the esteemed High Council of Photo Reviewers to pass judgment on my pic. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life, but I must have met all the necessary requirements (see: not being a chick) because all of a sudden instead of a picture of that weird grindr logo (it's a mask, right? Subtle.) there it was, my headless torso! I was too excited to actually work out so I sprinted back to my apartment and checked to see if I had any messages. Nothing. It was a serious blow to my ego, so I decided to drown my sorrows the only way I know how: binge drinking. I was blacked out for two whole days, finally returning to an acceptable level of cognizance last night. After eating my weight in fries and drinking a bathtub full of water so as to avoid an epic hangover, I remembered my foray into the world of grindr and reluctantly checked to see if there were any dudes within a two mile radius who were interested in jumpin my bones. 

I had 250 messages. 

I haven't had time to go through all of them yet because they're all so poetic and complex (seriously, it's like reading fucking Chaucer) that I really have to let them marinate for a while before I can decode the message that each bro is trying to get across, but here are some of the highlights:

-Dude #1 sent me 10 pics of his dick and his location on a map. Not sure how he knew that I'm a big fan of treasure hunts. The only logical explanation: we're soul mates.

-Dude #2 told me I have a really hot botfly. I think he meant body, but I don't want to come across as conceited. But he for sure meant body.

-Dude #3 simply asked "top or bottom?" I'm assuming this was a bunk bed related question, so I told him top bunk. Fingers crossed he's a bottom bunk kind of bro or else this relationship is over before it even begins. 

-Dude #4 sent me a pic of his asshole. I wasn't offended though since many Buddhists maintain that the bunghole is the window to the soul. Dude was just trying to connect on a more spiritual level, so props for that. 

-Dude #5 asked me if I work at Subway. I don't.

-Dude #6 wanted to talk baseball, telling me that he was a catcher. Then he sent me a picture of his ass. Points for trying to be clever, I guess. 

-Dude #7 sent me a message every 6 hours on the dot asking me if I wanted to play. He must have had a reminder set.

-Dudes #8/9 were a couple. They told me they were playing T ball and could deliver supplies to me if I was interested. I told them it was a little too cold for T ball and that I didn't think there was enough room to play in my apartment. Guess they were able to field a team though because that's the last I heard from them. (but in all seriousness I have no idea what the fuck they were talking about)

-Dude #10 just kept telling me how close we were to each other, which didn't creep me out at all.

The rest just said shot me some variation of hey/hi/sup/can i suck your dick? Simple, yet elegant. 

All in all, I found grindr to be a charming, pleasant, respectable dating app that I think I can really get on board with. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming. And I lost count of how many dudes invited me to their parties. I mean I guess it is the holiday season and all, but still! My social calendar is filling up fast.

Anyway, at the rate things are going, it's pretty much a guarantee that I'll have a top shelf bro locked down by this time next week. And to think that all my experiences trying to find dudes up until now were causing me to lose all faith in humanity. Thanks, grindr, for showing me how wrong I was!

End of sarcastic diatribe.

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Good work.


  1. Sadly accurate.

  2. The hypothesis to your experiment worked out exactly as you and others expected. It's a nice ego boost. Not much of a surprise though seeing it's a hookup site and many (not all) gay men are quite shallow. A more interesting twist to the experiment would be to dazzle them with your wit and humor and see how much attention you get -- then spring the hot bod on them and make them regret what they missed.

  3. Honestly, it depends what you're looking for. If you want a lay, do the shirtless body pic. If you want something more, do a face pic / no pic at all (and unlock it for profiles you think our worthwhile). Some vanity to filter guys out and then conversation to lock down guys you like. This post was an enjoyable read but if you're actually looking, I'd suggest this. I came home to America 1 week ago with a new mindset and re-downloaded after months abroad. Did this, i.e. stating I'm not looking for hookups just friends, chat, and dates and lo and behold I had a coffee meetup with this really awesome guy from UCSB and we're now going on our first date tomorrow