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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Grindr


A few readers had emailed me and recommended that I try out grindr again, claiming they met their long-time boyfriend through it. Engaged bro is now gone and I don't want to start things back up with Ryan so I've been bored and looking for a dude. Honestly, I did this mostly as a social experiment, as it's always immediately apparent that grindr has very little to offer a bro like me. I installed the app and submitted a shark-attack picture for review. 10 minutes later I had about 50 messages. This was already seeming more like a burden than something useful.


95% of the message I received were regarding a hook-up and there seem to be a few basic categories of people who use the app.

1.) Older dudes

Some of these older dudes are pretty explicit, aggressive and persistent (notice the timestamps):


To be fair, the type of messages above also came (lol?) from younger people as well. 

2.) ~7% body fat bros with a busted face and/or severe psychological disorders

These guys attract your attention with their 8-pack abs and skin so tight you can see their internal organs. They'll send you 15 high resolution images of all their body parts, then reluctantly send you a picture of their face, which is usually about a 5/10, or worse. If they are actually good looking, don't worry, chat with them for 5 minutes and you'll notice they are completely insane.

3.) Feminine guys who use phrases like "boy pussy"

I mostly successfully ignored this stuff, but it's sometimes straight up nauseating. To each their own, but I'd rather have sex with a woman.

4.) Nice guys who are just on grindr to "make friends"
Yikes. I feel for these bros, but yikes.

5.) Relatively normal guys that aren't particularly attractive or distinctive
My standards are probably high, but still.

6.) Guys with no pictures who just incessantly say "hi"
I understand being weary of putting your image out there (see: anonymous blog), but realistically some pictures will have to be exchanged at some point.

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Despite being a "cutting-edge" app with geolocation and whatnot, grindr feels a bit antiquated in that people still use generic stereotypes to describe themselves and others. "twink 4 jock"? Cringe, dude. These terms are supposed to serve as shortcuts for finding the right type of person, but people lie and pretend so these classifications are ultimately mostly useless.

Here are the basic translations:
Jock: not that fat, maybe goes to the gym, but almost certainly does not play any sports
Twink: thin (boney), small (weak), young-looking
Bear: hairy, fat
Dad: old, also probably fat, maybe trying to offer you money
Masc: not flaming, but may still be feminine
Str8/curious: actually masculine, into physical stuff with dudes; probably denies any emotional feelings
Bi: pretty similar to above, but admits attraction to guys

I'm totally chill with the existence of a hook-up app though, and I think that the reason that most poeple, namely heteros, hate on grindr is because they are jealous. Hetero bros fucking dream about an app where a series of disposable girls beg to blow them. And I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with one night stands. And yet the whole system just feels kind of slimy to me personally. I also don't have the energy to file through hundreds of bros and play all these little games.

I think many of us are ready to move past this whole cloak-and-dagger culture associated with being non hetero. I guess that's why I think something like tinder works better for me. Some people call it a hook-up app like grindr, but because tinder is linked to your Facebook, it's much more vanilla. I think it's nice to see that a bro has a head on his shoulders and is able to control himself, then later it is important that he can also let loose and be a human being. As I've said, I think you can be a unique person and be genuine to your thoughts without painting them on your naked body. But maybe that is the only way.
* * *
Just my experiences. What have your experiences been like?

11 comments:

  1. I've been thinking about deleting Grindr. This is a pretty good assessment of the site. Since I'm probably in category 5 this app is unlikely to do anything for me. It just takes WAY too much effort to actually connect with anyone on Grindr.

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    Replies
    1. I didn't mean number 5 in a dickish way. I think plenty of people find what they're looking for on the app. Just I am looking for an exceptional bro, so grindr doesn't seem ideal for that ha.

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  2. I fall in your first category...older dudes...but cannot be thrown in with the guys who are as explicit as the screen shots you show. I HAVE seen a few guys profiles and pics and fell in lust pretty quick. But, to be as annoying as your stalker is unforgivable.
    Overall, I think you are pretty close in your assessment. And, the other apps, are no better...and sometimes a lot worse.
    I want to think that a lot of guys are on there because they just want to connect with other guys. But then, after you're there, who doesn't want to get off now and then. And what better way to advertise that than with a bunch of other 'non-heteros'?
    Occasionally I see the guy on there who REALLY does just want to be friends. And if you only want to be friends, do you think I care if you are a top or a bottom? And why do you want to know 'what I'm into'? Can't we all agree that GRINDR is NOT the best place to find friends? But then, what is? I don't have an answer for that one.
    I figure, it doesn't hurt to get on the app every now and then. For one, it's kind of fun to see how close other 'non-heteros' are to where ever I happen to be. And, if a guy wants to be a little piggy, what better way?

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  3. With a body like yours, of course you are going to get a lot of attention from guys who don't really match up with what you are after. You got brawn and brains, and all they can see and want is your body. It is after all a really nice body and you put in a lot of effort to look good but then to be treated just as a piece of meat? That doesn't seem to appeal to you. You could do and expect so much better.

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  4. For apps like Grindr I feel like you only get what you put into it. You have to move through a lot of creeps to find some chill dudes. I used to put some effort into striking good conversation and met some nice guys, but now I don't try at all and never touch it. Figures.

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  5. Haha just wondering why the "Yikes" after the description for number 4?

    Also, your categories are pretty much spot on. Haha I always cringe a little when I get a headshot from a torso, expecting it to be some guy with really bad butterface.

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  6. yo dude you inspired me to conduct a grindr experiment of my own this past weekend. Findings are as follows:

    Work was a little slow on Friday, so I downloaded grindr (think there should be another vowel in there somewhere) and did a little reconnaissance so I would be able to blend in with the other dudes on said app. After about 30 seconds on there, I knew exactly how to play it, so after work I went to the gym and made a beeline for the locker room where I snapped a shirtless selfie (you know, so I could really put myself inside the machine) and waited eagerly for the esteemed High Council of Photo Reviewers to pass judgment on my pic. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life, but I must have met all the necessary requirements (see: not being a chick) because all of a sudden instead of a picture of that weird grindr logo (it's a mask, right? Subtle.) there it was, my headless torso! I was too excited to actually work out so I sprinted back to my apartment and checked to see if I had any messages. Nothing. It was a serious blow to my ego, so I decided to drown my sorrows the only way I know how: binge drinking. I was blacked out for two whole days, finally returning to an acceptable level of cognizance last night. After eating my weight in fries and drinking a bathtub full of water so as to avoid an epic hangover, I remembered my foray into the world of grindr and reluctantly checked to see if there were any dudes within a two mile radius who were interested in jumpin my bones.

    I had 250 messages.

    I haven't had time to go through all of them yet because they're all so poetic and complex (seriously, it's like reading fucking Chaucer) that I really have to let them marinate for a while before I can decode the message that each bro is trying to get across, but here are some of the highlights:

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    1. -Dude #1 sent me 10 pics of his dick and his location on a map. Not sure how he knew that I'm a big fan of treasure hunts. The only logical explanation: we're soul mates.

      -Dude #2 told me I have a really hot botfly. I think he meant body, but I don't want to come across as conceited. But he for sure meant body.

      -Dude #3 simply asked "top or bottom?" I'm assuming this was a bunk bed related question, so I told him top bunk. Fingers crossed he's a bottom bunk kind of bro or else this relationship is over before it even begins.

      -Dude #4 sent me a pic of his asshole. I wasn't offended though since many Buddhists maintain that the bunghole is the window to the soul. Dude was just trying to connect on a more spiritual level, so props for that.

      -Dude #5 asked me if I work at Subway. I don't.

      -Dude #6 wanted to talk baseball, telling me that he was a catcher. Then he sent me a picture of his ass. Points for trying to be clever, I guess.

      -Dude #7 sent me a message every 6 hours on the dot asking me if I wanted to play. He must have had a reminder set.

      -Dudes #8/9 were a couple. They told me they were playing T ball and could deliver supplies to me if I was interested. I told them it was a little too cold for T ball and that I didn't think there was enough room to play in my apartment. Guess they were able to field a team though because that's the last I heard from them. (but in all seriousness I have no idea what the fuck they were talking about)

      -Dude #10 just kept telling me how close we were to each other, which didn't creep me out at all.

      The rest just said shot me some variation of hey/hi/sup/can i suck your dick? Simple, yet elegant.

      All in all, I found grindr to be a charming, pleasant, respectable dating app that I think I can really get on board with. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming. And I lost count of how many dudes invited me to their parties. I mean I guess it is the holiday season and all, but still! My social calendar is filling up fast.

      Anyway, at the rate things are going, it's pretty much a guarantee that I'll have a top shelf bro locked down by this time next week. And to think that all my experiences trying to find dudes up until now were causing me to lose all faith in humanity. Thanks, grindr, for showing me how wrong I was!


      End of sarcastic diatribe.

      Delete
    2. Haha, I'm posting this as a BroMail. Also email me noheteroblog@gmail.com

      Delete
  7. What an awesome reply, why hide behind an anonymous post. Depriving the world of offering its congratulations.

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  8. Gotta love hook up sites and apps! hehe

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