Tuesday, December 3, 2013


Today's post is dedicated to Paul Walker, my ultimate bro crush, who died going 2 fast 2 furiously.

Going home is always a mixed bag for me.

I look forward to getting out of the city, seeing my family, and the general switch of mental mode, but going home also means digging up old memories and forgotten people. High school was quite a while ago, and while I'm apparently one of the few people who actually enjoyed my high school years, I was done when I graduated and have no desire to relive them.

People get so bogged down in this binary thinking: that if you liked something you must miss it and therefore want to relive it. Yet I can enjoy an experience and be satisfied to not experience it again.


My brother and I had a weird moment while preparing some of the food for tee gives. He says,
"Yeah but that was kind of gay"
A pause.
"I mean—"
"Yeah—I got what you meant, " I said curtly. 
After some silence, he began to tell a story about how some of the members of his fraternity had recently come out. He was obviously trying to be chill about it. He went on to say a couple had become "totally different people".  He must have been trying to open to floor for me to say something. That or he's still oblivious and just didn't want to seem like a bigoted bro. Either way, the moment was there but I did not want to seize it. Fuck you for opening the floor with a derogatory comment about non heateros and then some mildly neutral story about people you once knew. It's kind of fucked up, but I feel like it's a form of punishment to him after others. He'll definitely take offense.


And I thought my mother knew, but then when we were out to lunch at a nice place that this girl I had seen for a bit in high school used to work. My mother had met her, so I casually mentioned that she had gotten engaged, to which she replied,
"Oh that's too bad"
"Oh, I don't know. She seemed great"
"Yeah she was."
Christ. This shit seems so out there to me, but apparently not. That girl was actually pretty fucking great and I still think about her sometimes. I was attracted to her, which was obviously unusual, but realistically I think I just liked the idea of a girl that I actually enjoy being around since most seem to annoy the shit out of me and come off like this:

Not attractive, dumb, self-centered and insecure. I'll also fully admit that I can better deal with dumb bros or whatever-negative-trait bros who are attractive simply for that reason. Not ideal, but I cut them more slack for sure.


I also encountered a number of past classmates. Many of these were girls who acted like we knew each other or knew of each other, but I had only a vague recollection of who they were. It's also mad vexing to have bitches all up in your grill when you're not interested. I'm kind of fucked either way in that if I say anything at all engaging or polite they think I like them and want to chat me up and marry me. I had one girl literally following me around at this party because I talked to her for three minutes. 

Again, I didn't feel at all in the element of telling people that I like dudes. Somehow being home set me back mentally a ways. Unchill.


On my trip back I ended up sitting next to my brother's ex girlfriend. She's also a cool girl and she's fucking super hot, like movie star hot.  For whatever reason, I've always felt at ease around her, so when she said,
"Maybe when you have a girlfriend" 
it made sense to respond,
She seemed to get it, but couldn't say for sure. It felt good either way.

 Peace, Paul.

What's going home like for y'all?


  1. You pretty much nailed it

  2. Home is like 2 miles away, i.e. I never really left. Awkwardness is thankfully only annual and seasonal now, as everyone who deserves to know personal details about me already does. Aunts, uncles, cousins - who gives a Friar Tuck about them?

    Like you I had a decent time of it at school. Also like you I regard that time as well spent, but firmly in the past. I'm some extra years down the line from you, and literally don't have a single contact left, school-wise, from that period of my life. Not one. I think that's probably unusual, but it feels perfectly natural to me. Some people I allowed to drift away. Others I may have encouraged. I don't have many regrets.

    It would be preferable to tell your brother and mother at some point, but there's as much of an onus on them to create the right conditions as there is on you to tell them. And of course, it doesn't really matter. You all know each other quite well enough. That's how families work.

    While we're on the subject of turkey... wing or breast?

    I think I'll send you an email. It's been a while.

  3. yeah, my experience as pretty similar to this. I have gotten much more comfortable around my city friends, but when I get home I feel like I revert back a bit because of the people i'm around. I told my sister, but I can see an older brother being more complicated.

  4. I've lived in the same county all my life, but none of it's ever been "home", really. I don't think I'm the kind of person who has a "home". I just have a place where I live.

    Spending time with family, though, gets to be awkward. Like, my mom and step-dad are really nice people, but the whole "parent" thing is weird. My step-dad's always been more of a manager than a father figure. He's gotten a bit "softer" around the edges as he's aged, but even nowadays it's all business and no personal.

    Mom's the exact opposite - codependent and probably a bit narcissistic. I couldn't turn in an essay without her re-writing it (or insisting I rewrite it until it met her standards). I couldn't get a B without her wailing about why I was doing this to her. I finally stood up to her once, and that seems to have helped the relationship a bit. Still, while I *like* her, she doesn't feel like a mother "should" feel in my head.

    I've run into a few of the people I knew in high school over the years, but that has its own drama. I was out in high school - the only gay guy who was. I didn't really get picked on for it (except once), largely because I was in classes with juniors and seniors most years and so had some "powerful" friends. But it was also kind of lonely to be the only gay guy.

    Well, a year or so after I graduated, I was hanging out in West Hollywood at a coffee house and I ran into one of my friends from high school - someone I hung out with on campus once in a while, kind of loosely in the circle. When I was shocked to see him and stated so, he said, "Oh, yeah, there were a bunch of us who were secretly gay." They explicitly *didn't* tell me anything because I was "the lightning rod", and didn't ever think that it might have been nice to know that there were others. So, yeah, fuck them.

    Most of the friends I have now are people who I'm friends with not because of circumstance but because of actual shared interests and ideals. That generally can't happen until you get out of high school.

  5. 1. stay anonymous forever writer dude, please. It makes you a thousand times more attractive because the only way to judge you is on your literary merit, which is a more or less medium brow.

    2. You're a Bret Easton Ellis fan, deny it or not (you'll probs deny it because you don't want to be labeled).

    3. Anyone coming home after Thanksgiving =,2609/

    4. Moms just want happy children and plentiful grandkids. You've checked one of those boxes.

    5. Why dig on your fam about something that you can't even explain to yourself about yourself? They def don't have a clue then!

    soap box over

    1. Hahaha I can't even go through this because you're obviously ESL and that'd be cruel. Suffice it to say every assumption you made was "spot on". Great work dude!

    2. an honest lol to that ESL comment/ZING accepted. I peeved you enough to get you to comment so my work here is done...until I see another post worth abusing...keep up the bro-foolery.

  6. Going home is a mixed bag indeed. A good amount of my friends know but not my family. I'll just keep hinting until they get it or I have to spill. Happy Holidays :/

  7. I feel similarly about going home. On one hand, it's great to be home and just relax and see my family, but on the other hand, I could give a shit about nearly everyone I went to school with, and don't ever have a huge desire to see them.

    For example, going out the night before Thanksgiving is (apparently) a huge thing, but I stayed in. The next morning I saw people I went to high school with tweeting about how there was a reunion at some bar, and I was perfectly happy to have missed it. It's not that it's because I'm gay, but it's because a lot of the people I went to school with were assholes and I've found that the people and friends that I've made at college are way more important in my life.

    I do like being home, because it means that I can just relax for a bit and not focus on school, but I was never close with many of my former classmates, and I don't really have the desire to relive the below average times I spent with them.