Friday, January 3, 2014

Life's pretty cool, asshole

One year of pseudo-blogging under my belt and about 175,000 page views. Sweet?

I'm not big on placing importance on arbitrary markers like the "new year" (OMFGNYENYC2K14!!)—as if there were some logical reason why it "began" two days ago as opposed to at any other moment. At least back in the day we used more salient factors like the sun and shit to determine the passing of time. Still, most people do make a big deal about this time of year so it's hard not to get a little 'flective.

Homos have come a long way in 2k13 in terms of exposure and rights and whatnot. And yet my twenty-eight year-old 'liberal' brother still letting a derogatory "gay" slip somehow outweighs that 'progress' in my mind.

I still don't like the word gay. Language is dynamic; words aren't obligated in practice to mean what the dictionary says they mean. So for many when they hear "gay", their mind jumps to a number of negative stereotypes, rather than the basic concept. Viva not hetero

I've said that it is a small piece of who I am. And it is. But in another sense I've come to accept that it is a big part of who I am. I'm fucked up from it, I'm liberated by it, and there has been essentially no day in my life where it hasn't entered my mind.

I'm a little disappointed things didn't work out further this year, but at the same time I recognize that my bitching is built upon weak grounds. Sometimes I do have to remind myself that I'm being too much of an asshole and to just enjoy all the cool shit that I've made happen or that has come to me.

I've learned that hints don't work:
"I don't know why everyone assumes that I want a girlfriend," I say.
"I don't assume anything," my mother responds.
So I think I'm done with them.

I've always valued my independence, and I still do. I am my own bro and I will do essentially whatever I want to do. I've taken risks in almost every sense of the word and sought out novel experiences. It's not clear whether I've been self-sabotaging at the possibility of past relationships or whether the candidates have legitimately not been up to snuff.

Either way, the vision of me and a significant dude in the coming months is strong.

I hope it's a good 365 for y'all. 


  1. seems like when you set your mind to something it happens, so i think it will work out dude!

  2. You should just gather all the people who are important to you into a single room, make them wait a bit; let them drop a few comments like,

    "What are we doing here?..."

    "Where is he?"

    Then you enter the room, and say "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it!".

    Remember to snap your fingers for full effect.

  3. I appreciate reading your reflections. I think so many people force themselves into relationships because they are so absolutely terrified of being alone. But when you're comfortable with yourself, you don't feel that same compulsion and it allows you to really consider if a relationship is right for you.

    on the other hand, sometimes i think my reluctance to be in a relationship stems from a fear of commitment and growing old, and subsequently losing that person i'm committed to because eventually one of us will die.


  4. Someone once asked me why I'm so open about being gay; I told him it was because it "wasn't a big deal." "Well," he asked, "If it's not a big deal, why do you talk about it at all? Just keep it quiet."

    "Because it's not important enough to hide or lie about. Both of those take energy, and I've got better things to do than putting effort into making bigots more comfortable."

    Sounds like you might be approaching that point.

  5. And there's the rub: it does not matter how much you say it isn't a big part of who you are, because it always will be, regardless of how you choose to present. This is the result of the state of gay rights while growing up. Yes, things are getting better now, but those weren't your formative years - since there's nothing wrong with being blond, no one thinks a moment about it, but since "gay" is such a divisive thing, you grow up constantly examining things through that lens. It is inescapable as a minority.

  6. When we start playing the field, we often have idealistic notions of the "perfect" guy(s) for us. After awhile you realize that perfection is an impossible goal. So focus on the deal breaker qualities and the nice to have factors. You will have the levels that satisfy. Either you can hold out for perfection and pass many "good enough" guys or compromise a little. Notice I did not say "settle" -- it's all about how you sell it yourself. Compromise is good; settling is bad.