Friday, April 25, 2014

Told My Mother And Bro, Officially

So it didn't go down face to face, but I finally was completely clear with my Mom and brother. If you recall, I already had a conversation about this with my Dad.

In honor of this, a blurry, douchey mirror shot of yours truly.  

Mother was awesome about it. And even though I expected her to be cool, it still felt pretty damn great:

Even though we had a good relationship prior, I do feel closer to her now because now I speak more openly about another facet of my life. I'm very lucky to have such a chill, intelligent, thoughtful, open mother. Don't cry, y'all.  

Now for my brother. I've mentioned him a couple times. Unlike my Mom, I had pegged my brother incorrectly. I thought, based on his comments to me and others, that he didn't really get that I like dudes and was generally bit derogatory towards non heteros. On this occasion I am happy to say I was wrong:

I definitely feel the cliched enhanced closeness with my brother now. He knows and he's not just tolerant of it--or even accepting--he's actively interested and engaging. I couldn't really have asked for a better response from him. 

Expect an influx of posts starting in about a week, but for now, here's to family, and to good brothers in particular.

How was "coming out" for you bros?


  1. All but family know about me. I've been battling the last six months or so to tell my family, but being that I go to school away from home, every time I went home they always said something I didn't like, whether it was in reference to something on the news or something they heard. I graduate college in 3 weeks, and I think I may make it happen that week. The struggle is real, but I look forward when it is no more.

    I think i saw on one of your posts that you're in Manhattan? I'm from Staten Island.

  2. I imagine a weight has lifted off your shoulders. I'm glad things turned out great and that you have the love and support of your family. Not everyone is so lucky to get such a wonderful reception.

  3. Congrats on it going successfully - that's not always the case.

    I actually came out at 13. It was, surprisingly for 1990, mostly a non-event, but I also kind of think no one believed me (my sister was more than a bit of a drama hound, so they might have thought I was just acting out). The bigger moment was when my mom caught me in bed with my b/f at the time at 16. Props to mom: the only thing she said was, "Oh. Well, what do you guys want for breakfast?"

    The truth is, though, that you never *stop* coming out - and it's a pain in the ass. Especially if you don't "fit the profile", there's this mix of exhaustion from having to go through the ordeal with yet another person and the feeling of necessity to put one more crack in the dam of assumed heterosexuality (if not for my sake, for others who come after). It *shouldn't* matter, and yet it does, and it sucks to have to put up with it mattering in order to get to a time when it won't.

    Still, two less people around whom you have to feel like you're lying or concealing something is a big improvement, especially when they're that important to your life. That's a big deal, even if liking guys isn't.

    1. You nailed it in your second paragraph. I gradually came out to everybody after I met my boyfriend 11 years ago - to friends, family, co-workers - and it's been great across the board. Almost too good - sometimes I'm convinced most of them like him better than they do me (with good reason; he's awesome). I'm very fortunate.

      But you're right; one thing that I didn't expect is that you never stop coming out, especially if you don't fit the profile. It's easy with new acquaintances - I just drop a "my boyfriend" early into the conversation. If they don't like it, that's tough for them. But I find it more challenging with new co-workers. I refuse to be closeted, but I live in a somewhat conservative area so someday I'm bound to run across someone who has an issue with it (not that that would keep me from disclosing). For several years I had "ambassadors" that would discreetly out me to the new guy at my request. I just didn't feel like I should have to say "Hey, I'm Andy, it's nice to meet you and guess what! I have a boyfriend" every time someone new came to the office. But now I'm the boss and my ambassadors find it awkward to act in that role. So now I'm on my own. Honestly - you'd think people in an office would gossip about a subject like that. But they don't, at least not in my case, which I interpret as a sign of respect and acceptance, albeit an inconvenient one.

      I've gone so far as to contemplate telling people before they accept a position that they'll be working for a non-hetero. Everyone thinks I'm being ridiculous, and I guess I am. But looking for the right time to drop the bf bomb on the new guy - every new guy - is frustrating and exhausting.

      Sorry, No Hetero - not trying to be downer. It's all good and I'm happy for you!

  4. I told my mom on Thanksgiving. It turned out just to be me and her cause my brothers and sisters were out of state and we all couldn't get together. She was going on about how she lived her life... you know, "I went to college, met your brother/sisters father, he passed away, met your father, had you, they all have children and now the only thing left for me to be completely happy before I die is when you find 'someone', whoever 'they' are" (no pressure, right?) She was dropping non-gender pronouns real hard, so I figured this was my chance. It was one of those where you go to talk and nothing comes out, I was that nervous. I was adamant about telling her, cause this was the perfect set up - so I went to the kitchen, chugged a good drink of Bulleit and told her I "was into dudes" and she was like, "oh okay" and then asked if I was going out later and needed any money. She didn't care at all, which kinda pissed me off for how unnecessarily nervous I was, and the fact I just chugged bourbon in the kitchen for no reason.

    And dude, you're a babe! Haha, anytime you're in Chicago let me know.

  5. I'm still pretty resentful of having to tell people I'm gay, especially as in almost all cases they don't care, and neither do I care if they know or not. It's awkwardness for no good reason. That's why I tend to only tell people who are drunk (although not drunk enough to forget later what I've said to them) - they say what they want to say, ask any questions they want to ask, I give them answers, and then we can all carry on like before.

    My Mum's fairly bigoted in some respects (and I continue to work on that with her), but fortunately her love for me easily outweighs any unfortunate learned behaviour, and in general we're very close. I think Dad was initially surprised, but has never been anything but supportive. I'm lucky.

    Well done you. Awkwardness aside, it makes life a little less complicated when the significant people know.

  6. not that your ego needs this at all buuut you're a goddamn stud.

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  8. YES! I'm so happy for you dude. In a nutshell, I came out to my best bros by telling them I fucked a guy. They were super cool and supportive about it after having a second of shock. It definitely made us all closer because it gave us the ability to talk about our relationships more (more like me being able to include mine). While in the closet I didn't think that was very important, but it really does strengthen a friendship. I told my mom this past Christmas break on the ride home from the airport, and while she had an idea about it and was immediately supportive, she still had some struggles with accepting it. She's come around quickly and wants to know who I'm dating and such, which is really chill. My 17 year old brother found out from my mom when she was talking to one of her friends about me, so I had a little sit down with him to clear the air and he too just wanted me to be happy, and we now talk about our sexual conquests and have gotten much closer. I've told most friends and some close relatives, but now it's just a casual thing, not a "I have something to tell you" sit down. It's just nice that I don't have to put all this effort into hiding such a big part of myself, and I'm glad you thought so too. Cheers breh.

  9. You're awesome. So happy for you.

    I love this blog and your perspective. Please keep writing.

    I came out too, and much of my experiences are similar to these guys. My situation is different, being married/divorced with kids...mostly grown. They are really the only ones who matter now, and they are pretty cool with it. One son, who could have been a bit of trouble, said, "Yeah, dad. I'm not blind. But you're my dad, and you will always be my dad. That's fine with me."
    I felt like hugging him, so I did.

  10. Hey man, congratulations. Now only if I can grow some balls and do the same.

    1. I did it when I found a guy who I wanted to share with them. It wasn't like I sat down and worked out a schedule. But, then there was this guy, and he said he wasn't going in the closet for anyone, and I felt things for him that I never felt for anyone else, ever. So, with his support, I made the decision. And, now, I wish I had done it years ago. But, I'm not one to cry about what 'might have been', so we will go from here and make things as great as we can.

      PS. He is still the greatest guy around.

  11. hey man congrats. your mom and bro seemed a lot cooler about it than you made them out to be in your previous posts but I think it's just because no one ever really knows their fam's thoughts until they're tested - i.e. I also was very hesitant to tell my bro for many years and it turned out to be a non-issue nowadays, but I never would have known that had I not said something.

    as for your picture, I'm surprised you showed yourself, even blurry faced self but once again I bet you're out to more people than you let on which means that it wouldn't be a big deal if someone found out via this blog, which is cool.

    last 2 cents - don't go killin the mystique of this blog too much, kthzbye.