I live my life in the grey area—something anyone can do. It's crazy to me how many people don't realize this is an option.You don't have to form your identity around anything or alter your behavior to fit the pattern of one group or another. You can be many of the above or none of the above—the choice is yours. Each successive generation seems to understand and embrace this more and more.
I like to:
- Think, learn, read, watch, write, do things that are mentally taxing
- Get super fucked up and abuse my body and brain
- Talk about intelligent things
- Talk about stupid things
- Be extremely busy with activities/Push myself psychically
- Do absolutely nothing and "waste" the day
- Play sports
- Be competitive
- Be completely noncompetitive
- Play mental games
- Be in large groups of people; socialize, meet new people
- Be completely alone
- Spend time in urban areas: nightlife, people, noise, culture
- Spend time in rural areas: quiet, nature, calm
- Dress up in nice clothes and be super civilized
- Not think about what I'm wearing or how I look or basically wear as few clothes as possible
- Do "classy" activities
- Do "trashy" activities
- Make stupid lists on a stupid blog
I'm at the stage that I have told a large handful of people that females are not my jam. Everyone has had an almost universally positive response to the information. I think my family and friends have been particularly cool, compared to the stories I've heard and read. Johnny told me that his family basically just cried a lot, said they loved him and felt sorry that he had to hide it for so long. It sounded nice in some ways, but also had a bit of pity taint to it.
Having someone pity you seems like it would be one of the worst feelings. Maybe I'm alone here, but I think I'd rather be disliked than pitied. This sounds like it's bordering on a psychiatric disorder, but pity just seems so fucking disgusting. And honestly I don't feel I'm in pitiable situation. I won't get into the details of our fortune to be non heteros in this period of human history, we're obviously luckily for that, but also there are so many advantages to spending your life a dude.That's another topic, though.
So a couple people know the details of my life, a few more known that I like dudes and the general outline, and the majority still have no fucking clue. It's a very disjointed existence.
Even though I don't think I'm in love, being with Johnny or Aldo feels like being on vacation. We laugh and talk and show our affection and get lost in the moment. Unlike vacation, this has nothing to do with location. I don't have to "go" anywhere, just hang out with them.
Then I go back to work where I'm hetero me, basically. It's just getting so strange.
I'm starting to think I just don't understand what love is and I'm actually kind of in love with both of them. Or that I'm so fucked up that I'm incapable of loving someone who could love me back. I'm almost positive that they are borderline in love with me. But from my end it all just feels like a lot of pressure. With my French guy I actually was on vacation, but the feeling was the same.
I like both of them a lot and enjoy my time chilling and messing around with them, but something is pulling at me and saying it's not right. He's too this or not really enough that. But who fucking cares right? I don't know, I do care for some reason.
And maybe the biggest thing is I still feel like I want my independence. I feel this strong desire to have a boyfriend, but also I value my personal and mental freedom from everything and everyone.
It's cool to have people crazy about you, but I want that towards someone else.
Even more prospective dudes lie on the horizon, and while I'm still optimistic, I'm certainly getting tired of this particular game.