Friday, June 13, 2014

Life In Grey

It's interesting that some of the same misconceptions that people in my real life have formed about me, some people on the internet have also formed. It doesn't really bother me, but I do find it interesting how so few people are able to understand people who don't fit neatly into prescribed bins. Someone reads a post about say lifting and thinks "Oh what a jock asshole" or about Jonah Hill and thinks I actually give a fuck what he says. It's called a thought exercise, Christ. Part of the problem is that we're taught in school to think binarily from a young age. Correct/incorrect, right/wrong, winner/loser fact/fiction jock/nerd: these are all ridiculously simplified concepts in school and in many people's minds.

I live my life in the grey area—something anyone can do. It's crazy to me how many people don't realize this is an option.You don't have to form your identity around anything or alter your behavior to fit the pattern of one group or another. You can be many of the above or none of the above—the choice is yours. Each successive generation seems to understand and embrace this more and more.

I like to:
  • Think, learn, read, watch, write, do things that are mentally taxing
  • Get super fucked up and abuse my body and brain
  • Talk about intelligent things
  • Talk about stupid things
  • Be extremely busy with activities/Push myself psychically 
  • Do absolutely nothing and "waste" the day
  • Play sports
  • Be competitive
  • Be completely noncompetitive  
  • Play mental games
  • Be in large groups of people; socialize, meet new people
  • Be completely alone 
  • Spend time in urban areas: nightlife, people, noise, culture
  • Spend time in rural areas: quiet, nature, calm
  • Dress up in nice clothes and be super civilized
  • Not think about what I'm wearing or how I look or basically wear as few clothes as possible
  • Do "classy" activities
  • Do "trashy" activities 
  • Make stupid lists on a stupid blog
I have lived in a few different countries, played the elite school game, played the partyparty game, played the get superfit game, played the alphamale game, and many others. They are all games, and my choice to play them is based on the fact that they entertain me and/or provide advantages.

I'm at the stage that I have told a large handful of people that females are not my jam. Everyone has had an almost universally positive response to the information. I think my family and friends have been particularly cool, compared to the stories I've heard and read. Johnny told me that his family basically just cried a lot, said they loved him and felt sorry that he had to hide it for so long. It sounded nice in some ways, but also had a bit of pity taint to it.

Having someone pity you seems like it would be one of the worst feelings. Maybe I'm alone here, but I think I'd rather be disliked than pitied. This sounds like it's bordering on a psychiatric disorder, but pity just seems so fucking disgusting. And honestly I don't feel I'm in pitiable situation. I won't get into the details of our fortune to be non heteros in this period of human history, we're obviously luckily for that, but also there are so many advantages to spending your life a dude.That's another topic, though.

So a couple people know the details of my life, a few more known that I like dudes and the general outline, and the majority still have no fucking clue. It's a very disjointed existence.

Even though I don't think I'm in love, being with Johnny or Aldo feels like being on vacation. We laugh and talk and show our affection and get lost in the moment. Unlike vacation, this has nothing to do with location. I don't have to "go" anywhere, just hang out with them.

Then I go back to work where I'm hetero me, basically. It's just getting so strange.

I'm starting to think I just don't understand what love is and I'm actually kind of in love with both of them. Or that I'm so fucked up that I'm incapable of loving someone who could love me back. I'm almost positive that they are borderline in love with me. But from my end it all just feels like a lot of pressure. With my French guy I actually was on vacation, but the feeling was the same.

I like both of them a lot and enjoy my time chilling and messing around with them, but something is pulling at me and saying it's not right. He's too this or not really enough that. But who fucking cares right? I don't know, I do care for some reason.

And maybe the biggest thing is I still feel like I want my independence. I feel this strong desire to have a boyfriend, but also I value my personal and mental freedom from everything and everyone.

It's cool to have people crazy about you, but I want that towards someone else.

Even more prospective dudes lie on the horizon, and while I'm still optimistic, I'm certainly getting tired of this particular game.


  1. Can't tell you how much I relate to your hatred of the pity. I'm 23 and over the past year have come out to everyone important in my life (fuck even my grandparents know now). I'm from the SF Bay Area so I haven't come across a negative reaction. What causes the anxiety about coming out to people I'm less close with is how uncomfortable I get with those "pity" responses. I know people are trying to do the best with what is inherently an awkward situation, but "I can't imagine how hard hiding for so long was for you" or "I feel terrible for all those casually homophobic things I've said" is not what I want to hear. I've thought a lot about the reaction that would make coming out easier, and the best answer I've been able to come up with is apathy

    1. Right. I think people often default to pity because, again, the media runs all these stories about gay suicide and homo hardship. And clearly I don't want to make light of that hardship, but at this point it's more productive to point the camera at some other non hetero situations. That why I think Mark Miller's youtube ( is overall a good thing, despite everything one could criticize. At least it shows these happy non heteros living their life not so unlike anyone else their age.

      It would have been cool if something like that had been around and visible when I was 13.

  2. Thanks for the insight. You are a complex and multi-faceted guy who can adapt to a lot of different situations.

  3. I totally get the "vacation" thing. There are times when I feel a massive urge just "go be gay" as I call it in my head. I mean, my friends are awesome but they're mostly straight - and while there's nothing wrong or unusual about that, it does mean there's this part of me that doesn't get to "come out and play" much. And that part needs its exercise too. It sounds totally weird and shallow, but there's something to be said about being in a place where the default for guys is to like guys.

    I think a lot of people get too caught up in whether or not something is "true love". I mean, you're having fun, right? You like to spend time with them? As long as that's true, who cares what anyone calls it? As for getting that head-over-heels feelings, well... chances are it'll happen someday, and likely with someone you totally didn't expect. But if you spend your life standing on the sidelines waiting for it (not that you are, but if), you'll miss a shitload of stuff.

    1. To your first point, I get that feeling sometimes too, but then if I act on it and go to a gay bar or something, 95% of the time it's just a disappointment as I often feel even less myself--the fact that the other people there also like guys is vastly outweighed by the mountains of things we seem *not* to have in common.

      And regarding the love thang: I wouldn't say I'm caught up in it--more getting a little frustrated by feeling some love-type feelings directed at me and not being able to direct much at others besides platonically. Not trying to be a winy bro, but just sucks sometimes.

    2. Yeah, I didn't necessarily mean explicitly going to a gay bar. It comes out differently for different people. But getting a chance to let that side of you out once in a while, to express it (however you enjoy doing so), is important in and of itself. It's not just about being non-hetero, either: I have the overwhelming urge to go sailing every so often, too (spent a lot of summers on a boat as a kid). Bottling shit up for too long isn't healthy, so we need to let it out now and then; some of it's easier to let out than others.

  4. I mean, your gut is telling you something with these guys. You can have your fun, but if at the end of the day, you don't have that longing feeling for them, then you gotta keep playing the number game. Nothing wrong with having high standards, and there's def nothing wrong with diligently holding prospects to those standards.

    1. Thanks, breh. Added your blog to the list.

  5. I get where you're coming from, as well. Being home this summer after spending virtually all of last year on my own made me realize how much I hide the dude-loving side of me. There's been a number of times where I want to make a joke about a guy being attractive to my family but I just kind of keep it to myself, while back at school I could just make the comment and know nobody would care. Plus, I feel like I'm less afraid of being seen as gay. I wouldn't mind trying a gay club now, which was something I was pretty against before. I'm hoping to be on my own again in the next couple of months.

    I get what you're feeling with the vacation thing though. After a while, I just want to say "Fuck it" and be completely open about liking guys, but I still feel like I can only do that in certain situations.

    1. Yeah I mean I wouldn't say that holding your tongue is necessarily the same thing as hiding, but I get what you mean. It's not as though I now talk to my friends and family about it all the time now, but it's nice to have the option. And, for the most part, it is pretty natural and unawkward.

      As another commenter pointed out on an earlier post: if you're masculine and not "visibly" gay then you will never have to stop coming out, essentially. Oh well, there are pros and cons to everything.

    2. Right, they're two different things. I guess since I haven't come out to these people back home that I feel like they're similar, though. I just liked sitting at lunch with my friends or going on a run with them and saying something about a guy was never really seen as weird. They just accepted it like it was nothing.

      And that's true. I feel like I'll probably be coming out for a while. Not the worst problem, but it probably gets annoying. Hah.

  6. It sometimes feels like you're asking for advice here. For some reason I'm more tempted to issue advice here than I generally have been in the past in blog comments. I don't know why that is. I certainly don't feel qualified to advise anyone about anything, least of all about relationships and falling in love.

    My observation is that 'love' probably means different things to different people. It certainly manifests itself in different ways. Some people become ecstatic and carefree, while others might become tense and worried about getting lost in the moment, or about how they should feel. I'm thinking we probably each have our own definition of what 'love' feels like. And even for each person, there will be peaks and troughs within what might qualify as 'love'. Loving one person might not feel the same as loving a different person. There's a great deal of variation and fluidity at play.

    My second observation is that you shouldn't be feeling pressure as a result of the situations and relationships you've described here. Two people being themselves with one another and enjoying each other's company is a simple and beautiful state of affairs. If you reach the stage where one demands something that the other cannot give - well that's a different kettle of fish. But there's no point anticipating that and spoiling the now.

    I'm done being observant. Try to enjoy, yeah?

    1. Yeah, I think everything you said is pretty logical and is similar to what a few other people have said. I guess the missing component is that I'm actually not trying to be a heart breaker, so the
      "just have fun and don't worry about it" thing is a fine strategy for me, and basically what I do, but has resulted in a few sad bros and/or bros who can't really deal with being "just friends". Once or twice I've thought it would have been better if we never went down that chemical road and had just been friends from the start.

  7. Dude, I get you 100%. This post is completely on point for me.

    1. All your posts are insightful as fuck.

    2. Agreed, I just stumbled onto your blog and I'm loving it so far.

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